Auntie SparkNotes: My Friends Are Bullies

Dear Auntie,

I’m sort of stuck in a situation right now. So, I have a friend who I met a few months ago, and she’s been hanging out with me and the rest of my friends for a while now. The reason I started talking to her is because everyone in my class seems to literally hate her for no apparent reason other than the fact that her accent can make her a little difficult to understand sometimes, and she seemed really lonely. She’s actually very nice, and I found out that we share a lot of interests, so we soon hit it off.

The problem is, the other people I hang out with can’t stand her. I’ve asked them multiple times why, and they haven’t been able to give me a single good answer. They’re always being mean to her and taking her stuff, and they’re constantly calling her retarded or ugly right to her face. It really escalated a few days ago when I asked one of them why they were always doing this to her, and his reply was, and I quote, “It’s fun, because I don’t like her and I want her to go away,” which he said right in front of her. Somehow, we managed to avoid a full-blown argument, and everything is “okay” at the moment.

So, I don’t know what to do. On one hand, I want to stay friends with everyone, because whenever the rest of them aren’t around her, they’re perfectly nice and I find them interesting as friends. On the other hand, I want to get her away from them because I know they’re hurting her, but that means I’ll only have one friend. Is it selfish to want to stay with the others? I just don’t know.

Oh, Sparkler. I think you know the answer to that—and I’m so sorry, because ugh, the worst thing about principles is the way you have to stick to them when they’re really, really inconvenient.

But let’s be real: Friends who call an innocent person “retarded” and “ugly,” who steal her things, and who go out of their way to make her life miserable because it’s “fun,” are possessed of giant black holes where their sense of decency should be, and that doesn’t change just because you’re lucky enough not to bear the brunt of their abuse. In fact, it’s arguably more disturbing to know that your friends don’t treat everyone this way; what does it say about them that they’re fully capable of not being cruel and terrible, yet they choose to behave that way toward the most vulnerable person in their immediate orbit?

To be clear, I’m not saying that you have to sever your relationships with these people. That’s your decision. I’m just saying that if you do stay friends with them, you’re going to have to wrestle with what that says—not just to the girl they’re abusing, but to your own internal metrics for what’s right and good. And while I don’t know you, sweet pea, your letter says an awful lot about the strength of your moral center. It’s a rare person who reaches out to the lonely, excluded classmate who everyone else is targeting, and who is thoughtful and empathic enough, with such a deep-seated sense of fairness, that they’re willing to question the dominant narrative that rules their social group. In other words, not the kind of person who does well at holding your nose and making self-interested choices that leave your karma noticeably smudged. You can try to make peace with the knowledge that your friends are bullies, and keep doing this balancing act of only the most limited, case-by-case intervention when they do it right in front of you, but I don’t think it’ll make you feel especially good about yourself.

So, with that in mind, here’s a suggestion—one that’s less morally ambiguous than your current approach, without going to the extreme of jettisoning all your friends in one fell swoop. First, take stock of which of your friends (if any) aren’t on the bullying bandwagon. Is anyone else in your group a little uncomfortable with the way they’re targeting this girl, or at least not actively participating? If there are one or two people who fit that description, then you can start by keeping your friendships with them while distancing yourself from the worst offenders (the kid who thinks it’s “fun” to torment your friend chief among them—ugh, what a troglodyte). And when you witness this stuff in the future, forget asking why; tell the person doing it to knock it the [bleep] off.

Give that a try, and see what happens. Maybe you’ll eventually want to step back from these friendships entirely, or maybe it’ll make enough of a difference that you won’t need to. But even if it doesn’t have the desired effect on the jerk’s behavior, you can show enormous solidarity with his victim by naming and condemning him for being the King Butthead of Douche Mountain, and you’ll have a lot less trouble sleeping at night.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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