Auntie SparkNotes: My Friends Don’t Like the Advice I Give Them

Hi Auntie,

I’ve sort of run into a pattern where I let people rant about their lives to me. I think it’s good for people to get out what’s been bothering them, especially if they’re going through a bad situation.

My problem lies here: after letting someone rant to me quite a bit, there starts to be some sort of weird loss of friendship from them. I’m not going to sit around and totally agree with every single thing my friends ever say, so when I give them advice they don’t want to hear (or just act quiet), they feel all shocked and betrayed that I’m not agreeing with them 100%.

This might just be the friends I’ve had, or who I am as a person, but I find it hard to maintain friends when they constantly go to me for advice, because they eventually don’t like what they’re hearing. And yeah, I’ve considered just not giving advice and letting people rant to me, but I feel like no one else really does it.

Any advice? (Ha, ha.)

I see what you did there, Sparkler.

But actually, what you did there is important. Because indeed, I will happily give you advice in this situation. And the reason I’ll do that, and the reason I know it’s okay to do that, is because you asked for it.

Which is the crux of your problem, by the way. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you’re required to sit there like a veal while your friends barrage you with an endless stream of self-pitying, delusional woes. You don’t have to be a human dumping ground for other people’s misery; you don’t even have to pretend agreement when a friend is ranting about an issue in which she is obviously in the wrong.

You do, however, need to recognize:

1. that unsolicited advice is best given sparingly, if at all, and
2. that if you insist on suggesting solutions to your friends, it would behoove you not to be a butthead about it.

And if people are terminating their relationships with you as a result of your advice-giving style, then I’m going to take a wild guess that you probably are being a bit of a butthead—or at least, that you’re not being as tactful as you could, and probably should.

So, with that in mind, here’s my advice: First and foremost, understand that there’s a time and place for voicing a dissenting opinion—and that unless your friend is egregiously in the wrong, to the point where it’s a moral imperative that you speak up immediately, that time and place is most definitely not when they’ve just trusted you enough to open up about something they’re struggling with.

Second, you can also understand the difference between agreement and support, and try to make the latter your default position. Or in other words, just listen. You don’t have to validate everything your friends say, but you can still give them a safe place to say it, especially since people are more likely to listen to your perspective if they know you’ve listened to theirs.

And finally, when it comes to offering that perspective, you can do it in a way that’s helpful rather than self-aggrandizing, never forgetting that telling someone what to do never works as well as encouraging them to figure it out themselves. In fact, the best advice you can give someone often isn’t an answer, but a question:

“What do you want to do about it?”
“What outcome would make you happy?”
“How can you get there from here?”
“What’s your next step?”

And if you’re dealing with someone in need of a reality check, the best thing you can do is give it gently:

“I hear what you’re saying, but I don’t think you’re being fair.”

Which is a challenge, of course. It’s easy as anything to have an opinion on how somebody else should live their life; it’s much, much harder to take your own skin out of the game, stop projecting, and support that person in pursuing happiness and fulfillment on their own terms.

And if you don’t want to do that, it’s really okay. You can always just listen, and say “Mm-hmm,” and then change the subject if it gets tiresome. (“I’m sorry you’re going through this. I wish I had something helpful to say. On a lighter note, how’s your cat doing?”) You’re not obligated to just sit there while your friends rant on and on, forever; it’s not in anyone’s best interests for the griping to go on endlessly. But whatever you do, try to remember that a person who opens up to you about their struggles is making themselves vulnerable to you, and that you can do better things with that trust than to slap them in the face with it. And keep in mind that listening not only costs you nothing, but also buys you a lot of goodwill in the likely event that someday, you’re the one who needs a friend to listen while you vent.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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