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Auntie SparkNotes: My Friends Tease Me for Being a Feminist

Hi Auntie!

So I think I have a problem. I have a pretty close group of friends from high school, made up of three boys and one other girl, my best friend, who we’ll call Macy. I am also a feminist in a notoriously non-feminist culture, and the only person in this friend group who is a declared feminist. While Macy is open to my ideas of feminism and shares a lot of my beliefs (she says she’s not a feminist mostly because she doesn’t like labels) and we have no problems discussing my opinions, my other friends, specifically my one friend “Larry,” feel the need to poke fun at the fact that I am a feminist.

For example, a little while ago we were watching the Hunger Games movies, trying to catch up before seeing the newest one, and my male friends kept making comments about how “Jennifer Lawrence isn’t pretty at all without make up,” or how the costumers should have dressed her in something more revealing despite the fact that she is literally playing a character who is fighting for her life! I was upset at their comments, especially because I don’t think they realized that what they were saying, or at least what I was hearing, basically sounded like women should only consider men’s approval for the way they dress and act. Anyways, I tried discussing this with them, mostly by pointing out that Katniss is fighting in a war and doesn’t have time for that kind of thing. At this point, Larry started teasing me, using the word “feminist” as an insult and making rude comments about me not shaving my armpits and other ridiculous things that shouldn’t even matter. I dropped the subject because I knew I wasn’t getting anywhere, but I’m still upset that none of them even bothered to consider my feelings before mocking me. After that happened, I started distancing myself from the boys, and I limited the time I spent with them. Now they’re upset with me because I won’t hang out with them, and they’re acting like they deserve my time! Macy still spends a lot of time with them, and usually if I want to hang out with her I have to hang out with them too, even if I don’t particularly want to see any of these boys.

So now I’m wondering if there is a way that I can bring up my feminist beliefs to my friends without being teased? Or should I give up and cut the cord on the boys completely? If I should end my friendship with them, do I owe it to them to tell them why I don’t hang out with them anymore?

Uh, no. There’s no need for that, Sparkler because—and I mean this in the nicest possible way—it sounds like you’ve already done enough to perpetuate the stereotype of feminists as humorless harridans who exist in a perpetual state of outrage for one lifetime.

Which I am telling you not to make you feel bad, but because I’m hoping it’ll be the thing that helps you connect the dots between cause and effect, and helps you realize how much this problem really isn’t about your feminist beliefs, specifically.

Rather, it’s that you’re so strident and self-important about them that you’ve made yourself the perfect target for a certain type of person—of which your friend Larry almost certainly is one—who love nothing more than to poke fun at the one thing a person has absolutely no sense of humor about.

And look: I’m not saying that it’s nice of Larry and co to keep pushing your buttons. It’s totally obnoxious and immature (and gratefully, a personality trait that most people grow out of.) But it’s not exactly a mystery why he’s doing it, when pushing your buttons results in such a predictable and entertaining reaction. You’ve seen The Princess Bride, right? As long as you react to the slightest whiff of patriarchy the way Miracle Max reacts to the name “Humperdinck,” it’s just too much fun to wind you up and watch you explode.

Basically, these over-the-top, ridiculous comments aren’t an expression of anyone’s earnestly-held beliefs; your friends are just trying to get a rise out of you. And if they’re upset that you’ve distanced yourself from them, then I’d gently suggest that it’s probably because they thought this was all in good fun, and it hasn’t occurred to them that you were actually hurt.

Which is why, if you want to continue these friendships, your first step would be to have a conversation about that. Take Larry aside and say something like, “Look, I know it’s easy to tease me about feminism because I take it so seriously, but when you said [thing], I was really hurt. Can you please not?”

If these guys genuinely care about your feelings, they’ll make an effort to stop giving you so much grief about feminism—but they also won’t have to make all the effort, because you’re also going to stop giving them so much feminist grief about every little thing.

Because that’s your end of this bargain: As an intelligent kid, and especially as an intelligent activist, you have to develop the self-awareness and restraint not to approach your every conversation, activity, and/or social interaction like it’s LIFE OR DEATH SERIOUS FEMINIST BUSINESS. You’ve already discovered the joy and thrill of aligning yourself with feminism; now is the time to learn the importance of picking your battles. As you’ve already discovered, being strident is an invitation for people to mess with you. What’s worse, though, is that it makes you easy to ignore.

That’s why knowing when to use your voice is just as important as finding it in the first place, and also why it’s a whole lot harder. But when you’ve struck the right balance, you’ll find that not only can you discuss important issues without being teased by your friends, but that when you speak up, they’ll be more inclined to listen.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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