Auntie SparkNotes: My Parents Are Mad That I’m Saving for a New Phone

Dear Auntie SparkNotes,

In the past year, my phone was stolen. It was a really nice phone, and my parents were upset, but for my birthday, I got another phone: one of a much older model that didn’t work most of the time. Since then, I feel I have been a trooper about it, but it’s still been frustrating. The buttons and the camera don’t work (which is difficult when I need to take pictures of things for school), and half the time, calls and texts don’t go through. I really appreciate the phone, but it’s frustrating when I can’t get in touch with my parents or other people I need to contact for things without a social context, but rather, “Where are you?” or, “Our project is due on Friday—have you started your portion of the work?”

I find it very frustrating, and today, I looked online at the cost of a new phone, and did the math for being able to save enough to get it before next school year. My mom found out what I was planning on and was angry because she thought wasn’t being appreciative, although I said I was (very much so) and explained to her the issues, she (and my dad) were still angry with me, and I can’t seem to make them understand. They both have good phones that work, but mine has sufficient water damage (from when it belonged to my mom four years ago) that causes a lot of problems. What should I do?

First things first, Sparkler: All other issues aside, your frustration is completely reasonable and understandable. A phone is just like a car, or a refrigerator, or any other machine people use to facilitate the day-to-day business of their lives: it has to be reliable to be useful. And if you can’t rely on said machine, whatever it is, then not only is it no longer a convenience, it’s a liability—one you have to spend so much time and energy trying to accommodate for that you’d arguably be better off just not having one at all. Your phone is like the digital equivalent of Errol the owl from Harry Potter (who was ancient, addled, and generally not charged with delivering critical and/or time-sensitive information for good reason.)

But that’s why I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that your parents’ reaction isn’t really about you failing to “appreciate” being saddled with a device that turns every text message into a crapshoot. (Will it go through? Who knows! It’s a fabulous mystery!) There’s something else going on here—the most obvious possibility being that there’s a money issue in play, and that they’re feeling raw about the financial circumstances that made a broken, malfunctioning phone their best/only option for replacing your lost one. (Particularly if you seemed insufficiently apologetic about that to begin with. I know your phone was stolen, which is of course not your fault, but if the theft was in any way the result of carelessness on your part, your folks might be understandably peeved that you weren’t more responsible.)

Of course, that’s just a guess. But since you can’t seem to make your folks understand that your desire for a working phone isn’t intended as a slight, this would be a good time to flip the script and instead ask them to explain their perspective. Approach whichever one of your parents you have a better relationship with, and try an in-your-own-words version of something like this:

“It was great of you and dad to replace my stolen phone. I know you didn’t have to do that and I appreciate it more than I can say. But I hope you guys can understand why I’d like to ultimately have a phone that works more reliably. The reason I’m trying to save the money myself is that I do recognize all you’ve already done for me, and I want to take responsibility for it. Can you help me understand why that makes you so upset?”

Depending on how reasonable your parents are, this conversation may help them realize on their own that they haven’t been treating you fairly—or on the other hand, if there’s something you’re failing to understand, this will be their opportunity to clue you in. But more importantly, once you’ve made a good-faith effort to talk about this with them, you’ll be free to move on regardless of the outcome. You’re not responsible for your parents’ feelings; if they want to take it personally that you’d prefer a functioning phone to a defective one, that’s their problem. You, on the other hand, are free to say, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and continue to save your money like there’s nothing wrong with it—which there isn’t.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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