Auntie SparkNotes: My Parents Want Me to Spy on My Sister

Hi, Auntie.

I have a sister, who I’ll call Sarah. Sarah has been having troubles these past few years; she’s been talking with strangers online, dating countless boys that she hides from my parents, and has been getting bad grades at school. She used to get Bs every term, and now she’s getting Ds. My parents found out about some of the things she’s been doing, and have really tried their best to get her to stop. They’ve grounded her, taken away her phone, and tried many other tactics to get her back on track, but none of them work.

Recently, she started dating a guy named (let’s say Brad). He used to sneak over to our house at night and they’d cuddle together until the early mornings. My sister confided in me and I wasn’t sure what to do. Should I tell my parents or trust my sister when she said that nothing else was going on? A few days later, my parents found out about Brad’s late night adventures with Sarah. The results were disastrous, especially when they found out that I knew about it and hid it from them.

My parents allowed Sarah to continue dating Brad as long as they behaved, got their grades up, and stayed out of trouble. For two or three months, that worked out pretty well. However, my sister’s grades have taken a dive recently. I tried to get Sarah to focus more on school and get her work done, but she can’t see that I’m only trying to help her. She thinks I’m trying to say I’m smarter than her and that I’m trying to take over her life. I can’t count the number of times she’s called me “Mother” sarcastically. Every time I try to help her, she pushes me away. We used to be really close, but we aren’t anymore.

Now, my parents are asking me to keep an eye on Sarah and Brad in school. They’re desperate; her GPA is low and they’re worried about her future. Who do I choose? Whenever I try to obey my parents, my sister lashes out at me and pushes me away. Soon, we won’t be talking whatsoever. When I try to preserve my relationship with my sister, it blows up in my face and my parents lose their trust in me. I wish I could stay neutral, but my parents have told me that I’m their last hope in getting Sarah back on the straight and narrow. This problem is consuming me day and night. Add my own classes and personal problems on top of this, and I feel like I’ll implode from the stress. What do I do? Do I choose my parents or my sister?

Actually, Sparkler, I’m gonna give you a third option: The one where you take this choice back to your mom and dad, and respectfully point out to them that you shouldn’t be having to make it.

Because geez, dude. If there were a ten commandments for parents, “Thou shalt not make thy children narc on each other” would be at the top of the list. No matter how desperate your parents might be, turning you into your sister’s keeper isn’t a solution. Even if it weren’t a despicable thing to do to your kid (which it is, for the record), it’s completely ineffective. After all, as you’ve discovered yourself, you’re just as powerless as they are to “get” Susan to focus on schoolwork and prioritize her studies over her boyfriend. The only effect you have by meddling is to ruin your relationship—and to give Susan that much more incentive to sneak around, knowing she’s being watched.

Which is what you’ll want to tell your parents, in so many words. The precise phrasing is up to you, but your basic next steps are as follows:

1. Pick a calm moment and whichever parent is easier to talk to.
2. Start by acknowledging the overall crappiness of the situation. (Ex: “I know you’re concerned about Sarah”)
3. Proceed to point out how much the current plan isn’t working. (Ex: “… But having me spy on her isn’t accomplishing anything but to make her despise me, and forcing me to choose between my relationship with her and my relationship with you isn’t fair.”)
4. And finally, finish by politely requesting that they find a new one. (Ex: “Please don’t ask me to do this anymore.”)

That’s the conversation you have with your folks. And if you’re lucky, they’ll take it to heart and stop trying to deputize you to monitor your sister when they’re not around. But regardless of your parents’ expectations, from now on, your response to any and all inquiries about Sarah’s behavior is as follows: “I really don’t know. I think you should talk to her about it.”

And as long as you’re not meddling inappropriately in your sister’s business, it won’t be a lie. Because in all seriousness, darling, it’s time for you to step back and stop being involved, whether or not it’s what your parents want, because it’s the right thing to do. It is so not your place to “help” your sister by spying on her, tattling on her, or trying to dictate to her what her priorities should be. You have no responsibility, and also no right, to be policing her behavior, and that’s true even if she’s making mistakes and even if you have the best intentions. People need to screw up, to experience consequences, to learn from their bad judgment so that they can have better judgment next time.

And on that note, until your parents allow Sarah to live through the consequences of her decisions rather than trying to restrict her from making them, you can expect that she’ll keep on flailing around much as she currently is. If we add up the various elements of your letter—your folks trying to make you inform on your sis, your sister’s acting-out and boundary-pushing, and the ridiculous rules governing how and with whom she’s allowed to socialize, i.e. where something as innocuous as chatting online has to be kept secret for fear of punishment—it’s not hard to see how their controlling behavior is begetting her rebellious act. The more they restrict her freedom of movement, the harder she yanks on the leash (and the less it matters to her what direction she’s yanking in or whether she’s hurting herself by doing it.)

Which, if your folks were writing to me, is something I’d be strongly encouraging them to think about, because it sounds like they’re making a real mess of this. But for you, the most important thing is that you stop trying to parent your sister—even if you think you know best, and even if your parents are asking you to. Do them the favor of knowing better than to blow up your relationship this way. Do your sister the favor of having a little faith in her ability to figure things out on her own, keeping in mind that there are many more ways of working around a crappy GPA than there are of rebuilding a ruined bond. And do yourself the favor of telling Sarah that your parents are hounding you to report on her behavior—and that for the time being, it’s best if she doesn’t confide in you so that you won’t have to keep.

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