Auntie SparkNotes: My Tinder Date Has a Girlfriend… and Feelings

Dear Auntie SparkNotes,

Before I start with my story, I just want to get it out there that both me and the guy I’ll be talking about are humans of legal age and are capable of agreeing to do the HND.

I’m the type of girl who likes to search for and scroll through all social media accounts of every guy I match with on Tinder. You know, to make sure they’re real people and not posers or scam artists or aliens in disguise. I was already happily chatting with this guy when I discovered he has a girlfriend. She’s all over his Facebook and Instagram, yet he was flirting with me like…well, like he was single and hadn’t gotten any action in a looooooong time.

I didn’t mention the girlfriend. He didn’t. And we hooked up.

Is it weird that I don’t feel guilty about it at all? I enjoyed myself, and I’m sure he did too. It was so fun I want to do it again. But at the same time I’m starting to think I should stay away from him, not because of the girlfriend, but because we might not be on the same page.

There are no feelings on my end, but I’m not sure about him. See, every day since we did it he’s been texting me. It’s usually a greeting in the morning, followed up by a conversation that’ll die after a couple of hours, or sooner if I don’t make an effort to be chatty. Then at night he’ll text me again asking about my day, and will keep the conversation going until I have to tell him I need to sleep. There’s some really R-18 stuff in there too (which I am so bad at oh my god I almost never know what to say), but mostly he’s being very sweet towards me. Asking about my day and my life in general and saying stuff like “We should go to [some cool place or restaurant]!”… is this normal dude stuff after hooking up with a girl?

I don’t want to be a homewrecker, Auntie. I just want to have fun with this very cute boy every so often, but he’s making me think that he wants to be more than just a booty call. Should I ask him what he really wants from me? Or is it too soon to assume anything?

Well, let’s start here: It’s never too soon to ask a guy whether he’s dating with a purpose, or just dating to date. (Or a girl, for that matter—but since you’re not dating one of those, we’ll stick with male pronouns.) And it’s especially not too soon to ask when you’ve already hooked up with him once and have been receiving cute and/or lascivious pings from him multiple times per day ever since. Not that the texting itself is an indication of feelings-with-a-capital-F; maybe he just really enjoyed your, ahem, company, and wants to see you again, and maybe he’s mature, experienced, and either savvy or sweet enough to actually cultivate a casual relationship in a way that the average, drooling, sex-addled bro-about-town is not. (In other words, maybe he’s just horny-with-a-capital-H but also smart-with-a-capital-S.)

But when you’re not sure about the signals you’re receiving, and even moreso when you’re not sure the other person is picking up what you’re putting down, it’s kind of a no-brainer to have the talk and clear things up. Not a confrontation (i.e. I wouldn’t use the words “What do you want from me?” in any way, shape, or form), but a conversation. Ideally, it’s a conversation that opens with you sharing your own perspective (“I had a great time the other night, but I want to be clear that I’m not looking for anything serious”), and seeing what he has to say in response — which could be anything from “Perfect, me neither!” to “[disappointed face]” to “Good, because I’m engaged to be married to the girl I’m cheating on with you.”

… Oh, and about that: It’s up to you whether or not you want to ask about the fact that this guy is apparently coupled up with someone else already, but if I may say so, I think you should at least mention it. Not because you’re a “homewrecker”—that title goes to the dude in the relationship who’s actively dating other people on Tinder if it’s gonna go to anyone—but because it’s exhausting and ridiculous to keep up the pretense that you don’t know what you know, especially when knowing it doesn’t even bother you. (Which I suppose I should probably be scolding you for, but… well, whatever. It’s your karma. And I’m tired.) You might as well dispense with the b.s. and let the guy know he doesn’t have to lie to you. That is, assuming you’re right about him having a girlfriend; I’m sure I don’t have to remind you that social media doesn’t necessarily tell you the whole story about anyone’s situation. Maybe he’s in an open relationship; maybe the girl is just an intimate friend, or an ex he’s stayed extra chummy with. Hell, maybe she’s his sister. Whatever the story, it’s easy enough to just say, “So, I found you on Facebook, and I can’t help noticing that you seem to be in a relationship.”

And while I’ve no idea what he’ll say, or how you’ll feel about it, or whether you’ll be inviting a karmic boomerang to eventually thwack you right in the face by continuing to hook up with the guy, I will say that whatever happens next, it’ll certainly be interesting. Good luck.

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