Auntie SparkNotes: Nobody Invites Me to Parties

Hi, Auntie!

Let’s get right to the point: I have a friend problem. I have been in my current group of friends for about two years now, and I have known them for three years. I usually feel pretty secure in my social standing, but lately that has been coming under some doubt. Just today, at the beginning of one of my classes, all my friends were in a buzz, talking about a trip they were going to take to a local theme park. Apparently, one of the girls in the group had sent out a group email, and everyone who had received it was invited to go with her. I refreshed my email several times, but it failed to pop up. Nervously, I looked over one of my friends’ shoulders at the email on her computer screen to see who it had been sent to. Almost all the girls in my grade, except for me, were on the list. Everyone was talking about how excited they were, and in plain earshot of me—I guess they had just assumed I was invited, as, you know, everyone else was. Needless to say, I felt awful. In fact, the last party I had been invited to was three years ago. I didn’t confront the girl who had sent out the email, though: we were in class, and it would just be rude.

The thing is, though, this isn’t the first time it’s happened. Last month, another girl threw a big fun party, and guess what? Yup, all my friends were invited, except for me. And it wasn’t like they were trying to keep it a secret from me. Just like today, they had been talking about it all the time. The next day, my Instagram feed was filled with photos of everyone hanging out and generally having a grand old time. It was like I didn’t exist. So what’s going on? Why don’t I get invited to any parties? I do everything I can to be a good friend, but sometimes it seems nobody so much as notices my presence. Is there something wrong with me? I mean, I’ve always been pretty awkward in social situations. Or am I just being paranoid and blowing this way out of proportion?

Well, let’s start with the bad news: based on your letter, I think it’s safe to say that you’re not being paranoid, per se. After all, you’re not imagining that all your friends are hanging out without you, having parties without inviting you, and flinging the evidence all over Instagram without even an iota of regard for your feelings. That’s a real thing! And incidentally, it’s the kind of thing that would make anyone feel like garbage. Being excluded is never fun, even if the people doing the excluding aren’t specifically out to hurt you.

But having established that your feelings aren’t weird, wrong, or otherwise out of keeping with the situation, your letter contains a mysterious wrinkle that could also be an encouraging sign: This problem is exclusively event-specific. Right? You aren’t suffering from a general sense that your friends aren’t really your friends; you only feel insecure about your social standing when party invites start flying around.

And if that weren’t the case, my answer to this question would be different. But since it is, it now brings us back to the part where you wonder why you’re not getting invited to parties, because that’s my question, too. People can be excluded from guest lists for all kinds of reasons, many of which have nothing to do with the overall quality of their friendships. For instance: Could your friends think they’re doing you a favor by not inviting you to events that they think you won’t enjoy? Have you declined invitations often enough that people stopped bothering to extend them to you? Do you have notoriously super-strict parents who never let you say yes to anything? Did you, by any chance, do something at the last party you were invited to (e.g. pee on the floor, break the furniture, bite the head of the host’s pet parakeet) that might reasonably cause you not to be invited to another one? Or, are you anxious and uncomfy in social situations in a way that makes you not just awkward, but perhaps a bit of a party pooper?

Don’t get me wrong, your answers to all these questions might be a resounding NOPE, and that’s fine. I just want you ask them of yourself first, just in case there’s something there — because once you’ve done the self-examination thing, your next step will be to ask these same questions of a friend who you trust to answer you kindly and honestly. Whomever in your group you’re closest to, the next time you talk, say (something like) this:

“I wasn’t invited to [friend’s] party at the theme park, and I felt really hurt and left out. Do you know if there’s a reason why she didn’t include me?”

Obviously, this approach comes with its own set of risks—chiefly that the answer to your question may be upsetting and/or insulting. (E.g. “Well, to be honest… you have B.O.”) But if you can work up the courage to ask, then not only will you learn whether you’ve been inadvertently doing something to make yourself a less-than-desirable guest, but you’ll also have alerted your friends to the fact that they’re hurting your feelings when they exclude you—which, if they’re actually your friends, they’ll want to avoid doing in the future. Barring a worst-case outcome like finding out that your friends aren’t really your friends at all, this conversation should ensure that you wind up back on the guest list where you belong.

That said, if that worst-case outcome does happen… well, there’s no getting around it: that’s terrible. But it’s also arguably better to know that your social circle is made up of a bunch of rude cretins sooner rather than later, so that you can find better ways to spend your time. And while we will all hope for the best on your behalf, if the worst does happen, then write back, and tell us, and we’ll get busy planning our own awesome party to which none of your cretin ex-friends are invited. So there.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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