Auntie SparkNotes: Should I Come Out to My Homophobic Family?

Dear Auntie,

I don’t know who else to get advice from, so I saw this section on Sparknotes and thought I might give it a try. Ever since I was young I have known that I was different. In elementary school I would find girls and guys attractive but I just assumed the girl part was only friendly. Then in 4th grade (around the time the song “I Kissed a Girl” by Katy Perry came out) my friend was curious on how kissing a girl felt, and since no one else wanted to I did, because the idea of kissing girls didn’t really disgust me. That was my first kiss and it was wonderful. Then in 7th grade I developed my first real girl crush on my best friend. I got guy crushes in between so I was really confused. I actually had to google search what this was because I didn’t know that bi existed.

Anyway, now I’m a senior in high school and I have come out to my best friend, the same girl I had a crush on in 7th grade. I didn’t tell her I had a crush on her because I didn’t want her to feel awkward. Now here is the issue. My mom is really anti-LGBTQ and she finds all that stuff really disgusting. One day we had a discussion about lesbians and she said that if I were lesbian, she would actually disassociate herself from me which makes me sad and kinda scared. My brother doesn’t really believe in the whole “bi” thing and my dad died four years ago. He would have been the only one who was accepting and if were alive he would probably have been able to convince my mom, but that can’t happen.

Should I tell my mother and face the consequences or just keep quiet until I go to college? Also, I didn’t tell all of my friends so should I tell my friend group? All of them are accepting but I don’t want them to feel awkward when we have sleepovers and stuff together. Also I’m not sure there is a point because I’m going to college in a few months and I probably won’t see them much after.

The good news, Sparkler, is that I have just the answer to all your many questions.

The bad news is, that answer is that it’s all entirely up to you.

Which seems like the punt to end all punts, I know. But this is your identity we’re talking about, and it’s your life and your relationships that stand to be affected if you choose to come out. I can’t make that decision for you! I can only tell you that any decision you make is right, as long as it’s right for you.

Of course, that also means that when it comes to telling your mom, there’s no “should” about it — and if you think there will be negative consequences for revealing the truth about your orientation, then you would be fully entitled in no uncertain terms to keep it to yourself, at least until you’re out of the house. Your safety and happiness come first. And coming out? That can always come later. (Your mom may even surprise you by being more accepting than you anticipate. People who claim to be disgusted by all things LGBT have a funny way of changing their tune when they discover that someone they love is queer.)

But with that said, there’s also no reason why you shouldn’t come out to people who you know will respect and support you. You deserve the comfort of being accepted for who you are by people who can give it to you — and perhaps your friends, who care about you, deserve the chance to prove that they’re worthy of your trust, too. I would gently suggest that a group of open-minded, intelligent people are more than capable of doing the math and realizing that if sleepovers with their bisexual friend haven’t been weird for the past five years or so, there’s no reason why thing should suddenly become weird just because the bisexual friend came out of the closet.

It’s something to think about, anyway. What matters most is that you find a balance in terms of telling-versus-not-telling that you can live with, that doesn’t chafe in all the wrong places, that doesn’t make you feel like you have to hide. Make it your goal to live fully and authentically, whether you’re out to the world at large or not. Because if the time comes when you do want to tell your family, that full and wonderful life you’ve created will be there for you — not just to fall back on, but to point to, and tell your mom, “This is who I am, and I’m happy. I hope you can be happy for me.”

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