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Auntie SparkNotes: Should I Fly Overseas To Visit My Inter-Boyfriend?

Dear Auntie:

I’m a 21-year-old girl living in America, and I’ve known this boy from the UK—let’s call him Jack—for 10 years. I’ve been in a very stable relationship with him for five years. Our relationship is very healthy, we’re both very happy and comfortable with each other, and our communication is great. It’s all sunshine and roses in that department.

We have plans to put me on a plane this summer and fly me down to the UK to finally, finally meet in person, for the first time ever. I’m over the moon about it. But, if I’m honest Auntie… I’m afraid of the possibility that meeting in person will ruin us. I realize how extremely lucky I am to have this person in my life. He’s helped me through a lot of emotional trauma from my older brother, who was physically and psychologically abusive, and often used Jack to hurt me. He would say awful things and try to convince me to leave Jack because “it wouldn’t work out when we met.” (I’ll spare you the obscenities mixed in, among many other awful, degrading things about our relationship.)

I don’t know whether to listen to the half of me that says “that’s your brother’s abuse talking, don’t listen to it,” or the half that says “don’t let your relationship get dashed on the rocks because you’re not being cautious.” I don’t even know what being cautious would bring me. I guess it would help if I had any prior experience with people, but the only experience I have is with my siblings. I was homeschooled and I’ve never had any friends besides on the internet, and I have never been over to anyone’s house before, let alone for over a week. I guess I’m just scared and confused and I need some sage advice.

And I’m going to start by apologizing, Sparkler, because what I’m about to tell you is almost definitely not what you’re hoping to hear. But I have to say it anyway—because I’m really, truly worried about what might happen if I don’t.

So, darling, here’s the deal: Internet-based relationships are not inherently dangerous, but they are inherently different from the offline-and-in-person kind—and not every online relationship, romantic or otherwise, is built to survive the transition to meatspace. Even in the healthiest and happiest of internet romances, you’re missing key information about your S.O. that can only be gained from seeing how they move, how they smell, how they treat animals and waiters. You just don’t truly know a whole person until you’ve experienced each other in the physical world.

Which is something most people can negotiate on their own well enough, if and when it’s time for a digital romance to go offline. But sweet pea, the reason most people can do that is that they have the skills and experience to make a proper judgment call in such a complex, emotionally charged situation. Taking a years-long, digital, international romance into IRL territory is like PhD-level relationshipping; you need a solid foundation in the basics before you can tackle it. You need to know what it’s like to forge a healthy relationship in person, from scratch. You need to know what it’s like to hang out with a friend in scenarios both public and private, and to be a guest in someone’s home. You need IRL experience dealing with emotionally hairy situations; you need to know how to argue, how to apologize, how to set boundaries and how to respect them. You need to have spent time with friends, acquaintances, colleagues or coworkers, without a screen in between you. And you need enough experience to know the difference between an emotionally healthy human being and a dangerously weird one—before you fly thousands of miles from home, to a country not your own, where you will be not just emotionally but physically and financially vulnerable to a person who may or may not turn out to be exactly who he says he is.

You don’t have these things, Sparkler. Not only do you have absolutely no relationship experience, romantic or otherwise, but you’re coming from an isolated and traumatic upbringing that makes you exceptionally vulnerable to being taken advantage of. It is so tragic, and so common, for people to leave the frying pan of an abusive family situation only to end up in the fire of an equally toxic romance—because they didn’t take the time to unlearn all the unhealthy stuff they internalized at home. That’s something you need to deal with, ideally with the help of a professional therapist, before you take an extreme step like flying overseas to spend a week with a guy you only know from online.

And on that note: It’s already extremely questionable, knowing your history and how sheltered you are, that this guy would encourage you to make this trip in the first place. So if he’s the lovely and upstanding fellow he’s supposed to be, he may be disappointed about you not coming to see him, but he’ll also understand. And if he doesn’t, and particularly if he tries to pressure, manipulate, or emotionally blackmail you into flying to the UK anyway, then I hope you’ll think twice about getting on a plane to visit him not just not, but ever.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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