Auntie SparkNotes: Should I Get New Friends?

Hello, Auntie.

I am a freshman in high school and have this group of friends that constantly takes me for advantage. In one of my friend situations, I have this friend who every time I talk to him brushes me off and acts like he is wasting precious minutes of his time on me. Except, when he has a problem he needs to talk out, he always come to me and asks for advice. And then a day after goes back to hating me.

In another friend situation, my friend takes pleasure in making fun of me and anytime I say that it isn’t okay to say that, he always say that he was “Just Kidding.” This friend also always comes to me when he is in need and when I try to talk about my problems he always tries to change the subject.

Auntie, what should I do? Should I just stop talking to them and get new friends? Am I just being over sensitive and should I just get over it?

Allow me to answer your question with a question, Sparkler: On a scale of one to ten, with ten being “torturously difficult bordering on physically impossible,” how hard would it be for you to take yourself up on that suggestion to just stop talking to these so-called friends and get yourself some new ones?

Because if it’s anything less than, say, a seven? Then indeed, it would be a no-brainer to simply trade your current friends — friends who apparently have no redeeming qualities, friends who offer you nothing, friends who are in fact so terrible as described that they barely seem to merit the label in the first place — for some nice, shiny, non-defective new pals. Yep! You do that, kiddo. This holiday season, give yourself the gift of friends who don’t suck.

…That is, if it would really be that easy. But let’s be honest: It usually isn’t. And so, on the off chance that your current friends aren’t really irredeemable troglodytes and/or that you don’t have a pile of other people lined up to replace them, I’ll also say this: Sometimes, there is peace to be found even in frustrating situations like these, in the form of accepting the limitations of your friends — and, by extension, your friendships — and learning to appreciate them for whatever they do have to offer.

Of course, in the case of Guy #1, who uses you as his personal punching bag except on the rare occasions when he turns to you for advice, what he has to offer may not be worth the price of dealing with his nastiness. With him, it sounds like distancing yourself is the obvious best choice, no? (How did you even become “friends” in the first place with someone who spends the vast majority of your time together acting like he doesn’t even like you?)

But for Guy #2… well, perhaps there’s a distinction to be made here between a friend who genuinely mistreats you, versus a friend who genuinely likes you but is also a bit of a clod.

Because even if you don’t particularly love being teased, there are things about this guy’s behavior that suggest it’s coming from a place of fondness — particularly considering the way he responds you call him out. “Just kidding” isn’t exactly the same as “I’m sorry,” but it still conveys an apologetic message: that he’s not being serious and that hurting your feelings is not his intention. Add to that the fact that your friend seems kind of squirmy about feelings in general (see: changing the subject when you try to talk about your problems), and a picture starts to emerge of a person who’s just not super comfortable with intimate relationships — and who jokes around because it’s the only way he knows how to deal with that awkwardness. Which makes this a good time to ask yourself: Should you be taking his teasing so personally? Does this guy make fun of you and you alone, or is it something he does to most people he’s close with? Assuming the latter, do those people tend to shrug it off (or give back as good as they’re getting)? And if you have good reasons for being friends with this guy despite his penchant for busting your chops, then might you also have a good reason to lighten up a little bit and let his teasing roll off your back, until or unless he says something genuinely hurtful? (At which point, when he says, “I’m just kidding,” you can reply, “I know, but it still hurts my feelings. Please stop.” Most people, even the clods of the world, will respect a straightforward request like that.)

Obviously, your answers to those questions are up to you. But if what you realize is that yes, this friendship does bring positive things to your life, then it should be easier from there to make peace with its limitations as well. Maybe this guy isn’t the one you turn to when you have some serious feels to discuss — but maybe he is a friend who you feel most at ease around, or who makes you laugh hard enough to pee your pants, or who would drive an hour in the snow to give you a ride home after your car broke down. And as frustrating as it is to feel like you can’t turn to him with your problems, maybe there’s something a little bit touching in the fact that he evidently respects and trusts you enough to come to you with his? It’s worth thinking about, anyway; you lose nothing by it, or by using what you learn to set some new expectations and some new boundaries and seeing whether it makes your friendships better. Because if you don’t have the luxury of simply deleting these friends from your life and putting new ones in their place, being able to appreciate whatever they do have to offer is a gift in and of itself, and one that’ll serve you for the rest of your life.

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