Auntie SparkNotes: Should I Tell My Parents I’m Seeing a Psychologist?

Dear Auntie,

I’ve had problems with sleep for a long time. I’m not sure how long, because I’m familiar with that mentality of my internal monologue telling me i’m making a fuss out of nothing, so tend to ignore stuff. But anyway, I don’t remember the last time I woke up feeling refreshed—and, you know, awake.

I come from a farming family, so we’re a bit sort of “meh, i’ll be okay” about stuff like this, but my boyfriend James got to me by saying “this is the exact same thing you complain about your dad doing,” so I saw a doctor—at the student clinic at uni, not at home.

The doctor had a long conversation with me about possible reasons for my poor sleep—stress, worry, brain won’t shut up etc.—and I ended up saying a bunch of things about how much my parents, while generally good people, often piss me off. At the time, my mum wouldn’t stop calling me (“my friend Blahblah calls her daughter way more, it could be worse”), and my dad was being really unsupportive about my average grades (I’m disappointed enough as it is, but thanks for your “help,” dad). Anyway, she referred me to a psychologist/therapist/whatever.

I’ve seen him a couple of times, and he’s given me some useful suggestions—much more useful than my mum’s “lie still and close your eyes,” “it’s your stupid phone’s fault,” “drink this revolting herbal tea,” etc. However, I’ve got to go home for Easter soon, which is a month of not talking to a professional, and trying to hide my sleep guide app (which talks) and the “overcoming insomnia” book I was given. (I’ve got to spend three months at home in the summer and that’s going to be even worse.) I’m not looking forward to going home anyway, my family argue a lot and it’s a stressful place to be. I don’t tend to tell my family personal stuff, because they’re crap at advice and can’t keep secrets. I’m barely ever at home, and I can’t stand the idea of them gossiping about me at the dinner table while I’m at uni in term time. (I’m not planning on coming home when I graduate.)

While I was home at Christmas 2014/5 I was sort of seeing James but didn’t know where it was going so didn’t tell anyone about it, apart from my friends who’d known from the start. I left my phone in signal to receive a text from him, and my mum brought it to me when it received one, and asked me “Who’s James???” I didn’t want to lie, so I told her what I’ve just told you, and asked her to please keep it to herself.

But my dad asked me about James the next day, and my brothers knew by the evening.

So I know if I mention the psychologist to either of my parents, my entire family will know (my dad’s parents live with us too), and I don’t want them thinking I’m depressed or mentally ill, or that I can’t cope on my own – they often make mean jokes at my expense, and it’s even worse when it’s such a sensitive issue. (Woe betide me if I get upset, because ‘it’s just a joke’.) I don’t like keeping secrets from my mum—especially since if she found out somehow, she’d be really upset that I never told her.

Should I mention this to my mum? Or keep hold of it?? I’m terrible at decisions Auntie, please help!!

Let’s start with the bad news, Sparkler: I’m not going to tell you whether or not to tell your mom you’re seeing a therapist.

Not because I don’t care (I do!), but because you clearly need some practice at knowing your own mind, and choosing your own choices, without anyone else’s input.

That said, let’s talk about how you can go about knowing and choosing—starting with the fact that people who have a history of using intimate knowledge against you do not deserve continued intimate access to your personal shizz, full stop.

That means you’d be fully justified in choosing not tell your parents that you’re seeing a psychologist. However, it might also be starting point for a conversation about trust, boundaries, and your relationship with your folks as you make the transition into adulthood. Your mom wants you to open up with her, and you hate feeling like you can’t. I wonder, what if you were to tell her exactly what you told me?

“The last time I shared something personal with you and Dad, I ended up being the butt of half a dozen jokes about it at dinner that night. I know you think it’s no big deal, but it hurts my feelings, and it makes me less likely to open up to you every time it happens.”

In your own words, of course. The point is, there’s a straightforward conversation to be had here about how your parents’ behavior makes you feel, as well as what its likely outcome will be if it continues unchanged. And while straightforward is not the same as comfortable—and I’m sure you would much prefer that your parents figured this out on their own, without you having to spell it out—it’s a conversation worth having if only to see how they respond to it. Best-case scenario, your mom realizes that this is seriously damaging your relationship, and she makes an effort to be kinder and more trustworthy so that you feel more comfortable opening up to her. And at worst, her reaction makes it abundantly clear that she’s just not someone you can or should confide in.

With that said, I want to leave you with one other suggestion: Whatever you choose, and whether or not you decide to open up to your folks, please leave behind your urge to seek validation from them—and particularly the part of that urge that has you looking to control the way they think and talk about you when you’re not there. Are you happy? Engaged? Fulfilled? Are you satisfied that the life you’ve chosen is a good one for you, by your own definition? And if your answer to these questions is yes—and it should be!—then who cares if your family makes clucking noises about it when you’re not even around to hear them?

Not you, I hope. You should be much too busy enjoying the hell out of your wonderful life to worry about whether it meets the approval of a bunch of people around a table somewhere, even if that bunch of people share genetic material with you.

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