Auntie SparkNotes: Should I Try to Have a Better Relationship with My BF’s Jerk Father?

Dear Auntie,

I’m having some problems with my boyfriend’s father. Not in the typical “you’re dating my kid so I have to see if you’re OK or not” kind of way, but the “I have a bad relationship with my kid so I’m taking it out on you” sort of way.

Basically, my boyfriend and his father have a very strained relationship that only got worse after his dad’s recent divorce. The dad is almost never home anymore because he spends time with his new girlfriend but whenever he visits he always stirs up trouble. I’ve always tried being polite to his dad no matter what happened even though he treats my boyfriend poorly and without reason.

However, he’s been acting very rude towards me too, getting an attitude every time he addresses me and trying to get me out of the house. Most recently I took a shower in my boyfriend’s bathroom and when I had covered myself in a towel his father opened the door. Instead of leaving when he saw that I was only in a towel, he took a photo of me. It made me very uncomfortable, but I didn’t know what to do about it.

So my question is, should I attempt to have a good relationship with my boyfriend’s father, when he clearly doesn’t even want a good one with his son? I stay with my boyfriend at the house he shares with his mom and younger siblings, which his dad used to live in before he left. I’d like to continue coming over but his father’s presence is always tense and I don’t want another incident like the photo one happening again.

Gee, really? I can’t imagine why! I mean, it’s not like it’s a crime to come into a bathroom where someone is showering and snap a non-consensual picture of them in a state of partial undress!

…Oh, except for the part where it is a crime. Like, in the original sense of the word. What your boyfriend’s dad did to you is not only exceptionally creepy, it’s voyeurism — which is completely and totally illegal in the United States. (And if you happen to be underage? Hoo boy, then it’s EXTRA ILLEGAL.)

Which is not to say that you have to report your boyfriend’s father to the police (although you certainly can, and I do think it’s something you should at least consider). But if nothing else, you need to be aware of how incredibly over the line and inappropriate that was, because it says so much about what kind of person you’re dealing with and what kind of approach you need to take — and how very, very beside the point it is to be asking whether you should try to have a “good relationship” with him. The far bigger and more pressing question is whether it’s a good idea for you to continue spending time in a house where your privacy, dignity, and well-being are apparently at risk (and for that matter, what your boyfriend and his mother think about having his dad continue to visit when he’s apparently missing every one of the genes for basic human decency). Forget being polite or friendly; I’m not sure you should be in the same room as this man, and moreover, I’m not sure it should be on you to say as much. If anyone is going to run interference with Dad, here, it should be one of the people who’s actually related to him, and ideally an adult person.

Unfortunately, this is where we run into a problem, because that part is out of your hands — and you haven’t mentioned how your boyfriend or his family feels about his dad’s behavior. Does he know about the picture-taking incident? Does he even recognize this stuff as a problem? Because if not, that’s an issue in and of itself, and it’s one you’ll need to deal with.

Meanwhile, you say you want to continue spending time at your boyfriend’s house, and that’s understandable — but since you’re not in a position to police anyone else’s behavior or make demands vis-a-vis his dad’s visits, this is where you have to make a choice. Can you handle the inevitability of future tension with your boyfriend’s father, or do you need to skip it entirely? Are you prepared to excuse yourself when he enters a room, or decline to visit when you know he’s going to be there? Can you count on your boyfriend to step in, or are you confident enough to say something yourself, when Dad crosses a line? And if so, are you ready to have some potentially difficult conversations with your boyfriend as a result?

To be clear, there are no wrong answers to these questions — but whatever your answers are, let them be the starting point for setting and enforcing some boundaries. Maybe that means simply avoiding confrontation by leaving the house when your boyfriend’s father shows up; or maybe it means getting right in his face and telling him you intend to press charges if he ever invades your privacy and takes a photo like that again; or maybe you’d like to skip the warning entirely and call the police on his sketchy ass right this minute. Just know this: You’re not wrong to be concerned, and whatever steps you need to take to feel comfortable at your boyfriend’s house — up to and including not being there — you take them, without apology. Good luck. Be safe.

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