Auntie SparkNotes: We Went on One Date, Now He Won’t Stop Staring

Hi Auntie,

Last fall I met a guy at my church (I go to a religious college, which plays a part in my story.) I thought he was okay, and he clearly thought I was something, so I agreed to a date.

Unfortunately, things got really weird. After that single date he suddenly kept following me around, staring at me, and occasionally making weird comments about me being his girlfriend. I friendzoned him but he didn’t get it, and actually started talking about proposing to me(!). When he texted me asking me on another date, I rejected him and basically went under the radar: no contact whatsoever.

Except it isn’t working. Due to the fact that I’m in a religious college, I’m supposed to attend this church and wherever I go, he follows and he will. Not. Quit. Staring. I hate having to duck out of activities because I know he’s going to be there; I want to make friends this semester instead of sitting in the back of the room and leaving as soon as the meeting’s over.

What’s worse, the weird comments haven’t stopped. Last week I tried to go to a church activity and he kept telling people he’d “never had a girlfriend” in a meaningful tone and then staring at me.

Basically, I’m at the end of my rope. What should I do?

For starters, you should back up to paragraph #2 of your letter and solve the following mystery for me:

This situation is weird for one reason, and one reason only: Because the guy in question is making it that way. So why, oh why, are you sacrificing your social life, ducking out of your activities, and generally making yourself responsible for keeping the peace, when he’s the one acting like a mouth-breathing lovestruck lunatic after one (!) date?

Actually, on second thought, don’t answer that. It doesn’t matter. Because whatever your reason for doing this, you’re not doing it anymore.

I command it. THIS ENDS TONIGHT.

Or today. Or, I mean, whatever time it is where you are.

And now, some real talk. Because as much as Auntie SparkNotes sympathizes with your feelings of frustration and awkwardness, there is a difference between harassment and behavior that simply inconveniences you—and it sounds like the bulk of what this guy is doing falls under the latter category. Staring is rude, yes, but it’s not illegal, and you can’t keep the dude from pining for you from a distance if that’s what he wants to do. He has been endowed by his creator with certain inalienable rights, including life, liberty, and the humiliating, dignity-shredding adoration of a girl who wants nothing to do with him.

Which is why it’s good that you, my darling Sparkler, are similarly endowed with the ability to walk into a room, see him staring, and say, “Well, looks like Wally is being weird again!” and simply not care.

His continued interest in you is his problem, not yours, and it only gets in the way of your life as much as you allow it to. So if you want to make friends and attend activities and mingle afterward, then do it. And if he’s there, ignore him. You’re a grownup; you can handle being in the same room as a person with an unrequited crush on you, as long as he doesn’t intrude.

That said, if he does intrude, you’ve also been endowed by your creator with a delightful thing called a backbone, which you can use to insist that Mr. Weirdo pine from a discreet distance, and give you room to move without him breathing down your neck. And in that case, here’s how it works:

First, you make your no-contact stance official by blocking him on your phone and any/all social media sites.

Second, you take him aside the next time you’re in the same room, and say, “Your behavior is inappropriate and is making me uncomfortable. Stop following me around, stop staring at me, and stop making comments suggesting that we have a relationship. We don’t.” (If you’d rather do this via text message instead of in person, that’s fine; just block him afterward.)

And third, if he continues to act like a creepazoid despite having been told directly to back off, you approach your administration and/or church leaders to discuss making an official complaint about this, because stalking is illegal in all 50 states. (And frankly, I think your religious community’s leaders would probably like to know that one of the flock is using church activities for such unholy purposes.)

To be clear: No matter what you do, things are still going to be weird with this guy, for no other reason than that he’s a weirdo. You’re still going to have to see him around, and as long as he’s holding a torch for you, he will probably continue to behave in a way that you find annoying and inconvenient. But if he wants to go be weird in his corner, fine; you’ll be too busy having fun and making friends in yours to care. These things are, and have been, within your reach. So gut up, and go get ’em.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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