Auntie SparkNotes: What If My Friend Thinks I Came Out Just to Copy Him?

Hi Auntie SparkNotes!

I’m in a dilemma right now. I have a friend (let’s call him Charlie) and we go back years. We’re really close, we have the same interests, music tastes, sense of humor. He recently came out as gay, and just before he did I was starting to question my sexuality. He’s also decided to go to a science college after leaving our current school, and I also want to go, although not because he’s going. I’m concerned that if I a) come out as pansexual and b) go to his chosen college, he’ll think I’m copying him. We like the same music, like I said before, and he got me into some of my favorite bands too. It’s a bit of a silly question, but he can be a bit petty sometimes, and I’m concerned we’re too similar and he’ll take it the wrong way? What do I do?

Well, let’s start with what you shouldn’t do—namely, derail your life, defer your dreams, or compromise your essential identity, just because your life/dreams/identity have certain things in common with someone else’s.
Which is not to say that you should change your name to Charlie, get an identical haircut and wardrobe, and stalk/mimic his every move until neither you nor Charlie nor the world at large can discern where he ends and you begin (although I must admit, this would make for amazing performance art). But when we’re talking about the broad strokes of human personality—things like sexual orientation or taste in music or areas of general academic interest—it’s ludicrous to think that there won’t be some overlap from one individual to another, particularly when those individuals are friends, who are of course going to have things in common. (Which is why, for instance, pretty much all of Auntie’s closest friends are either writers, dog enthusiasts, or yoga freaks.)

So, if being true to yourself means coming out and going to science school, then that’s what you should do, and you should do it without concern for what someone (or anyone!) else might think. This isn’t like musical chairs; you don’t have to choose a different identity just because another person is already sitting in the spot designated for same-sex oriented science guys… not even if that person tries to tell you that the spot belongs to him.

Which I suppose Charlie might do, if he’s really petty in the way you described, and especially if he puts a lot of stock in the idea that his labels make him special and different in ways that nobody else can understand. People who are obsessed with being unique do sometimes get irked by the appearance of another special snowflake on their turf, especially if they perceive (correctly or not) that you’re siphoning away attention that would otherwise be going to them.

But if that happens, there’s really nothing you can do about it; a person who’s determined to take your sexual orientation personally is not someone you can reason with. You’ve just got to be confident enough in who you are to respond graciously to any grumbling (the phrase “I’m sorry you feel that way” can be especially useful in situations like this), and let it roll off your back.

With that said, I will say one last thing: For most people in your situation, this whole “What if my friend thinks I’m copying him?” issue is the last thing on earth they’d be worried about—because they’d be so focused on the immediate, important, and exciting business of being and/or becoming themselves. And maybe that just means your friend is a jerk in a super-predictable way that makes worrying about it a foregone conclusion, but it’s worth asking yourself if there’s something more to your fears… like, for instance, that Charlie really has been a catalyst and/or source of inspiration in your journey of self-discovery, that you do kinda idolize him, and that you feel a little bit weird about that. Because while I’m not saying that is the case (I have absolutely no idea if it is!), it’s important to note that if it were, it wouldn’t make your identity less real, or less valid. We all travel different paths to finding out who we are, and sometimes, that path includes following in someone else’s footsteps, either because we see ourselves in that person, or because we see them as something to aspire to. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. And while a petty person might resent you for “copying” them, a mature one will recognize their capacity to inspire someone else for the wonderful thing that it is.

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