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Auntie SparkNotes: What’s the Best Way Out of This Relationship?

Dear Auntie,

I am a high school junior and I have had a boyfriend for about a year and a half now. At first the relationship was amazing and we were together almost all of the time. Both of us have depression and we would talk to each other and support each other when one of us was having a particularly bad night as well as through several struggles with finding the right medicine. I felt like I could tell him anything, and as a result, I started talking to him more than most of my friends.

However, in the past couple of months, something has changed. He wants to be physically close all of the time, to be constantly hugging me, as he says it makes him feel better. I don’t really want to be so close, but he tries to hug all of the time anyway, not really listening when I protest, especially if he’s feeling really bad. He’s become really protective of me, and is convinced that I want to date my best friend (which I do not) and will do things like walk in between her and me and grab my hand while I’m trying to have a conversation with her. He also seems mad at me a lot, and does things like accuse me of lying every time I open my mouth and will yell at me for breaking deals and promises I have no recollection of making. He does all of this, but turns around about an hour later and wants to cuddle, like nothing ever happened.

What used to be such a great relationship now makes me miserable and I want to break up with him, but I don’t know how. He’s told me that he has “separation issues”, which is the reason he’s given me for wanting to be so close all of the time. When he’s mad, he talks to his friends about how he’s thinking of breaking up with me, but given his actions thus far, I don’t think he ever will. Also, during the course of this relationship, I’ve kind of distanced myself from a lot of my friends because he always wanted to be the only person I spent time with, so I feel as though I have no one to go to for support.

The scariest part, and the main reason I haven’t broken up with him yet, is that he’s threatened to commit suicide if I break up with him, and he seems serious, especially given that he has already attempted suicide once while we were dating.

What is the best way to end this relationship? I’ve already tried talking to him about where this relationship is going and that I wasn’t planning to stay together while we’re in college, and he seemed genuinely surprised, and has since been begging me to just try and stay together, and trying to make me promise to never leave him. I feel so stuck. What should I do?

Dump him.

Dump him like a bag of week-old lettuce that’s sitting in a pool of brown slime. Dump him like a loaded diaper into an air-tight trash can. Dump him like… well, like any dumping analogy of your choice, really, just as long as a breakup is the end result.

And for the record, I’d be telling you this even if your boyfriend weren’t isolating you from your friends, ignoring your boundaries, and using threats of suicide to manipulate you into staying close. When the question is, “What’s the best way to end this relationship?”, the answer is always and invariably, “As soon as humanly possible.” A relationship in which one party is miserable and wants out is a relationship that needs to be over.

Of course, a relationship in which one party wants out and the other party is basically a suckerfish in human form is a relationship that needs to be over yesterday. And sweet pea, you can (and must) forget about finding the right way to call it quits, especially when you seem to be defining “the right way” as a scenario in which your boyfriend reacts to the breakup graciously and maturely instead of like the grasping, manipulative, emotionally extortive person he apparently is. I’m sorry; I know you want this to be easy and painless, but that’s just not in the cards. Based on what you’re told me, I can virtually guarantee you that no matter how careful and considerate you are in ending things, he’s going to make it ugly, and it’s going to be really hard.

Which is not to say that you should be intentionally cruel about it, but it’s definitely a good argument for being direct and keeping it simple. You don’t need to prepare a speech; you just need a sentence, like, “I’m unhappy and I don’t want to be with you anymore,” followed by a giant step back beyond the radius of susceptibility to begging, threats, and guilt-tripping. Boom. Done. And because your boyfriend has such a history of responding really badly to any suggestion that you’re trying to distance yourself, this is one of the few scenarios in which Auntie SparkNotes will encourage you to skip the face-to-face breakup and do it via phone call or letter instead. Under the circumstances, any steps you can take to make it easier to assert your boundaries and reduce the chance that you’ll be guilted into resuming the relationship are on the approved list.

And on the subject of those steps: Now is also the time to get yourself some moral support, in the form of a friend or two who will be there for you in the aftermath of the breakup. (The best friend who’s witnessed your boyfriend’s attempts to isolate you firsthand would be a good place to start.) Just reach out, make the necessary apologies for your earlier disappearing act, and be honest about your intentions to end the relationship and your need for support. Even if not all your friends forgive you, some of them will — and you’re going to want those people by your side while you weather the imminent unpleasantness of breaking up with an emotionally unhealthy person.

Oh, and if your soon-to-be-ex tries to derail your breakup with threats of suicide? That’s not a good reason to stay with him, but it’s a very good reason to call his parents and let them know that he’s threatening self-harm.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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