Auntie SparkNotes: Who’s Wrong? Me, or Him?

Hello Auntie,

I am a sophomore in high school questioning my morals.

I have been talking to this boy, let’s call him Romeo, for quite a few months. He liked me, and I liked him too, but I did not want to jump into a relationship due to bad past experiences. I’m a person who doesn’t like to have my time wasted, and when I have feelings for someone, I need to know they feel the same and are loyal. I’ve told him this, and he would tell me I’m “worth waiting for.”

Even though he would say this, I could tell he was being clingy and trying to act like a boyfriend in front of my family which made me uneasy, and I became unsure of my feelings towards him. Then one day he sent me a picture of a girl, asking if I knew her. I did not. He told me how she’s been flirting with him. Seeing this as an attempt to make me jealous, I became irritated and dismissed it, assuming he wasn’t flirting back with her. I should have known better, knowing how “friendly” he is.

Shortly after, I saw them posting pictures together and her tweeting about him. He texted me, asking if I still liked him, and if I still wanted to go to prom with him. I said yes. Then, I saw that the girl, let’s call her Juliet, was posting that she loves him. I, being a girl, know that no girl will post something like that on social media unless the boy has been giving her mutual attention. He told me the purpose of his actions was to get attention from me.

I’m sorry, but this seemed so pathetic to me and I got angry. Even though I was unsure of my feelings towards him, I was loyal.

I told him I don’t want to go to prom anymore and that he should go with her. I am a person that is big on self respect. Why would I go to prom with someone who tells me he has intentions towards me, and then does that? I like to not be a second option.

He said,”I’m not like that,” and 30 minutes later asked her to prom.

Now, I was happy that at least he had a date. However, seeing now how they are lovey dovey around each other, it is clear he has been having a “thing” with both of us at the same time.

I guess what I’m having trouble with is deciding how to feel about this situation. I feel like I got cheated on, but I probably am a jerk for blowing him off. Was I wrong to act the way that I did?

Well, I don’t know about wrong, Sparkler. Wrong is such a subjective term, one which no two people define in precisely the same way. But let’s put it this way: If you thought that this was the way to treat a guy you cared about and respected, and if you thought that your behavior was going to result in some other outcome than the one you got… well, yeah. You’d be wrong about that. Not wrong as in evil, but wrong as in badly mistaken.

And now, sweet pea, I want you to take a deep breath and steel yourself, because this is the part where you get a reality check, and it’s not going to feel good. Okay? Here’s the deal: It doesn’t matter what kind of person you are, or how many bad experiences you’ve had. You cannot toy with people’s hearts the way you toyed with this guy’s, and still expect them to like you at the end, let alone to want to take you to prom.

I’m not saying your crush behaved perfectly—flirting with another girl to get your attention is a move straight out of the Encyclopedia of Romantic Asshattery—but he’s not here. You are. And so, having carefully reviewed your letter, I must recommend that you never, ever do any of the following things again:

1. make a current crush pay for your past bad experiences and trust issues with some other guy
2. tell a guy you expect him to be loyal and demonstrative, then punish him for “trying to act like a boyfriend”
3. make it clear that a guy has to jump through hoops to prove his interest, then get angry when he does something kinda outrageous to see if you like him back
4. expect someone to keep begging for your attention after you’ve blown him off half a dozen times
5. tell a guy you don’t want to go to prom with him, then blame him for taking you at your word, and
6. justify all of this relentless mind-scrambling baloney with the excuse that hey, at least you were loyal on the inside.

Because alas, on the inside just doesn’t count for much when you’re behaving outwardly like a fickle, demanding, capricious weenie who delights in messing with people’s heads and hearts. Which you did. And that’s sad, because that’s not who you are! You are clearly someone who really feels things, someone who wants a connection that is sweet and deep and real, someone who has a big, hungry heart that you desperately want to give to someone who will treat it like the precious thing that it is.

And you can absolutely have that kind of love… but only if you’re brave enough to give it to someone yourself. What you put out there is what you get back, generally speaking. If you want intimacy, you have to make peace with being vulnerable first. As long as you treat love like a game in which guys have to compete to win you, you can’t be surprised when players keep showing up.

For the record, I’m not sure I’d necessarily conclude that that’s what this guy was. Yes, he made some clumsy, dumbass moves in an attempt to win you—but that’s the thing about mind games. Really decent people don’t play them very well. (And unless I’m mistaken, this guy only started trying to make you jealous after you’d jerked him around multiple times—and he didn’t ask the other girl out until you’d explicitly told him you weren’t interested.)

But since he’s now happily coupled with someone else, you’ll want to set your sights elsewhere, anyway. What matters more is that you see the lesson here: that when you set traps designed to bring out the worst in people, nobody gives you their best. It is harder, but better, to offer your trust.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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