Blogging The Odyssey: Part 4 (The One Where Odysseus Seduces EVERYONE)

Previously on Blogging The Odyssey: Odysseus escaped Calypso’s island and wound up naked on a beach. The princess who discovered him has agreed to lend him a hand, and also presumably some pants.

For the past six chapter-books, Homer has been saying, “Guys, I promise, we’re going to get to The Actual Odyssey, but DON’T YOU WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT MENELAUS?” and we’ve been like, “No, Homer, we don’t. We can’t imagine a person we’d want to know less about. What we WANT is to learn the stuff our teacher is actually going to quiz us on, so let’s maybe put some pep in the step?”

And Homer has been like, “Sure, sure, but you know what’s really interesting? SPARTA, AND ITS LONG AND STORIED HISTORY. Let’s talk about that for eighteen pages.”

And now finally—FINALLY—we’re getting somewhere. But if, and only if, Odysseus can flirt his way through the entire kingdom of Phaeacia.

Book 7: Phaeacia’s Halls and Gardens

Odysseus has seduced many people thus far, and he’s prepared to seduce more if the situation calls for it. Here is an updated list of all the people Odysseus has been forced to entice with his masculine wiles:

1. Calypso
2. The princess
3. Her hand-maidens
4. And now the queen
5. Also quite possibly the king, later on? You be the judge

When Odysseus arrives at the palace, Athena tells him he must get on the queen’s good side, but she doesn’t tell him how to do that, exactly. Left to his own devices, Odysseus just naturally assumes he’s supposed to shower the queen with compliments while flinging his body at her.

The king immediately takes a liking to him. He figures this man who is prostrating himself at his wife’s feet seems like a trustworthy fellow. He kicks his son out a chair and offers the seat to Odysseus instead, which sounds like one of my quips but is actually something that happens. Odysseus has been here for all of five minutes and already he’s the favorite son, and also possibly the queen’s concubine.

Judging by Odysseus’s manly build and perfect face, the king says he must be one of the “deathless gods,” and Odysseus is forced to assure them all that he’s just a “mortal man.”

Okay, 1) how hot must Odysseus be for people to just be like “WHOA THERE. ARE WE IN THE PRESENCE OF A MAN OR A GOD? GET A LOAD OF THE GOD MAN,” and also 2) has Ghostbusters taught us nothing?

Odysseus, when someone asks you if you are a god, you say YES.
(Credit: Columbia Pictures)

The king and queen invite him to a bountiful feast. All he tells them about himself is that he’s been through a lot, and no one bothers to ask any follow-up questions about this transient interloper they just welcomed into their home.

Well, except for the queen. She notices he’s wearing a Phaeacian cape (and nothing else), and she asks him how this came to be. He tells them that their daughter, the princess, found him down by the river, but they approached the kingdom separately so he wouldn’t stain her honor with his sexiness. The king presses for details about his backstory. Odysseus gives them the abridged version (spent the last seven years shipwrecked on an island with a nymph… you know, as you do), and everyone seems satisfied with this.

Book 8: A Day for Songs and Contests

The king agrees to give Odysseus a ship and a crew so that he can go home. Someone should probably tell this new crew what happened to his last crew, but I guess we don’t even really know what happened to his old crew. At this juncture, all we know is that they died, vaguely.

First, however, there’s going to be a big celebration—complete with games and a feast—for Odysseus, the honored guest whose name they still don’t know.

One day, Homer will run out of ways to say that Odysseus is a sexy, oiled-up man machine, and there will be no worlds left to conquer. But today is not that day. One of the noblemen, Laodamas, nudges his friends and says,

Come, my friends,
let’s ask our guest if he knows the ropes of any sport.
He’s no mean man, not with a build like that…
Look at his thighs, his legs, and what a pair of arms—
his massive neck, his big, rippling strength!

They figure Odysseus must be a man of sports because he’s such a muscle-laden stud. For those interested, no one has ever assumed this about me.

They invite him to throw a ball around or something, but Odysseus plays the “I’ve suffered much hardship, leave me alone” card and declines their offer. Nonetheless, the guys continue to taunt him in a manner we can only assume looks like this

Credit: United Artists

and finally Odysseus can no longer stand their good-natured ribbing. I’m not sure what it is about ancient Greece trash talk, but it all seems to be very, I don’t know, romantic? Let me know if I’m reading too much into this.

Just like you, my fine, handsome friend. Not even
a god could improve those lovely looks of yours
but the mind inside is worthless.

I mean, it’s like:

Laodamas: HEY, NEW GUY. CAN YOU DO SPORTS? I BET YOU CAN DO SPORTS. LOOK AT THOSE BULGING MUSCLES. WHAT’S IT LIKE BEING SO HOT AND GOOD AT SPORTS? ALSO, YOUR THIGHS.
Odysseus: OH YEAH? WELL, YOU’RE DUMB BUT ALSO HOT. LIKE REALLY, REALLY HOT. I’M TALKING SIZZLING. IF THE GODS WERE A MAN, THEY’D BE YOU.
Everyone else: GOT ‘EM.

Odysseus doesn’t want to toot his own horn or anything, but he’s definitely going to toot his own horn. He wins a discus-throwing competition without even breaking a sweat, and then he humble-brags about how he’s the best archer this side of Apollo. The king says, “No, of course you’re not bragging! You’re just stating facts. If I had your obvious skills and natural talent, I’d do the same thing! Also if I had that body, I’d walk around naked!”

Things almost come to blows between Odysseus and the young noblemen, but the king intervenes and starts the feast. Odysseus then requests that the town bard sing a song about the Trojan War. The song makes Odysseus cry, and presumably everyone pretends not to see out of politeness.

The king, however, asks once more for Odysseus to tell his story. And until next week, we’re all just going to have to sit here and pretend there’s even the slightest chance that Odysseus won’t take him up on this offer and talk about himself for twelve straight hours.

Discussion questions:

1. What’s it like to be so physically impressive that people just assume you’re good at stuff?
2. Everyone around these parts is big on honor culture, but they also warn against being “prideful.” Is Odysseus bragging? Is he just touting his own successes? Where do ancient Greeks draw the line here?
3. Please explain to me, categorically, what Homer’s deal is and why he thinks he can just give me cliffhangers.

Looking for the rest of our Blogging the Classics series? Check it out here! For all of Blogging The Odyssey, click here!