Blogging The Odyssey: Part 5 (How NOT to Anger the Gods)
Last time on Blogging The Odyssey, the king of Phaeacia asked Odysseus to tell his tale. Odysseus was like, “I COULDN’T POSSIBLY,” thought about it for roughly .5 seconds, and then said, “WELL, IF YOU INSIST.”
Now, look. I know I’m just an uninvolved third party to the trials and hardships Odysseus has weathered, but I feel like I could’ve done a better job with all of this, somehow. I am not wily, capable, or good with a sword, but I have been blessed with the gift of common sense. Were I ever to find myself in a world ruled by deathless immortals, I would keep my head down, make no waves, and avoid cannibals, if at all possible. It just doesn’t seem that hard.
This is Book 9: In the One-Eyed Giant’s Cave, but it might as well be called Book 9: How NOT to Invoke the Ire of Supreme Beings Who Can Wreck Your Sh*t on the Barest of Whims.
So, to that end…
Rule #1: Don’t tempt fate, particularly when you live in a world where fate is a thing. Odysseus reveals his identity to the Phaeacians and begins his story, stealing us away into the beating heart of adventure. He tells us that after the Trojan War, he and his men sacked a city called Ismarus. They did this because, as near as I can tell, the city was simply there, and it had been like two whole days since they’d plundered anything.
What they SHOULD have done was leave immediately. What they DID do was hang around getting drunk and enjoying the spoils of war, with the result that reinforcements arrived to take back the city and slaughtered a bunch of them. Whoops.
Rule #2: Don’t eat the fruit. We can now add Odysseus and his men to the laundry list of people in fiction who have accepted fruit from dubious strangers and can’t believe it went this wrong.
Disney
Following the Ismarus debacle, a mild Zeus-storm sent Odysseus and his crew off-course, straight to the land of the Lotus-eaters. There they were given fruit from the natives that forced them to abandon all thoughts of home; instead, all they wanted to do was continue eating the fruit forever. I find this hard to relate to, because I’m really more a junk food person, and my body is slowly rotting. Odysseus successfully dragged them all back to the ships and locked them up to break the spell.
Rule #3: Do not make a pit stop at Cyclops Island. I can’t believe this even needs to be said. I’m thinking maybe Odysseus had too many men and not enough food and he was trying to think of creative ways to solve this problem.
Rule #4: Curiosity killed the cat. Apparently this phrase had not yet been invented. Nor had “CURIOSITY KILLED DOZENS OF YOUR SHIPMATES LITERALLY YESTERDAY, ODYSSEUS, STOP IT.” He and a few choice men who were clearly marked for death decided to check out the island and see if the Cyclopes of lore really were, in his words, “violent,” “savage,” and “lawless,” which—surprise! They are! Odysseus & Co. stole some cheese (seriously), but it wasn’t enough. Odysseus wanted to meet the Cyclops, Polyphemus, and “[see] what gifts he’d give.” I’m not sure why this one-eyed monster whom Odysseus has already described as “a savage deaf to justice” would give him presents, particularly after they just stole his cheese, but I guess it never hurts to ask.
Polyphemus was not impressed. He called them “sea-wolves,” which sounds awesome and is actually how I’d like to be addressed going forward, but he didn’t mean it in a good way. Odysseus still somehow had the gall to ask for a “guest-gift,” because it’s customary, and because if Polyphemus didn’t comply Zeus would likely smite him for this grievous breach of etiquette. Polyphemus said “Well, nuts to your gods, then,” and ate two of Odysseus’s men right in front of him.
Now a captive, Odysseus was forced to come up with a plan. He plied the Cyclops with his finest wine and mentioned that he went by the name of Nobody. When Polyphemus fell asleep, they took his club, whittled it down until it was little more than a big, glorified toothpick, stuck it in the fire, and shoved it right in his eye. Polyphemus woke up and cried out, demanding help from his neighbors, but when the other Cyclopes gathered around the cave and asked who was killing him, he told them, “Nobody! Nobody’s killing me!” Yet another villainous scheme foiled by wordplay!
Rule #5: Don’t go around making enemies. You never know who might be related to a god. This shouldn’t be a problem so long as said enemy doesn’t know your actual name. Oh, wait…
Rule #6: Never trash talk a Cyclops. Odysseus and his men escaped by clinging to the underbellies of sheep being let out to pasture. Safely out of reach on his ship and having successfully outsmarted Polyphemus, Odysseus couldn’t help but offer up a piping hot plate of sass to the pitiful, now-blind Cyclops. He shouted back that if anyone ever asked who gouged out his eye, he should tell them it was Odysseus, son of Laertes, king of Ithaca, and he stopped just short of giving Polyphemus his social security number to boot.
Polyphemus then called upon his father, Poseidon, to rain vengeance down upon Odysseus, but the way he asked is kind of hilarious.
If I really am your son and you claim to be my father—
come, grant that Odysseus…never reaches home.
Or if he’s fated to see
his people once again, let him come home late
and come a broken man
More like
POSEIDON, YOU MAY OR MAY NOT BE MY FATHER BUT FOR THE SAKE OF ARGUMENT LET’S JUST ASSUME THAT YOU ARE.
DON’T LET ODYSSEUS MAKE IT HOME, EVER.
UNLESS HE’S ACTUALLY FATED TO RETURN HOME.
THEN JUST MAKE HIM LATE, I GUESS.
MAKE IT TAKE A WHILE.
AND IF HE’S MISERABLE THE WHOLE TIME, ALL THE BETTER.
Will Odysseus continue to ruin everything in new and fascinating ways? Probably! Stay tuned! This is Elodie the sea-wolf, signing off.
Discussion questions:
- Polyphemus’s father is Poseidon, but if you can name his mother without Googling it I will give you a dollar.
- If you were in Odysseus’s shoes, what would you do differently, besides everything?
- I kind of feel like Odysseus is the bad guy here. Polyphemus was just hanging out, eating cheese and herding sheep. Thoughts?
Looking for the rest of our Blogging the Classics series? Check it out here! For all of Blogging The Odyssey, click here!
