Hi! Welcome. Contrary to everything you’ve ever heard, this book is not garbage. Sure, Hawthorne uses the word “ignominy” exactly twenty-three more times than I would’ve thought necessary. Sure, he’s filled three consecutive pages with very specific information about woodland creatures. Sure, the plot only gets going halfway through around the twelfth chapter. But I’m here to tell you that I spent approximately fifty hours of my life blogging this entire book and my feelings about it, chapter by chapter, and it was one of the most entertaining things I’ve ever done for myself. I know what you’re thinking: Wow, that’s really lame. Yes, I know that. I have no rebuttal for you. But I do hope that the links below will help you on your journey forth into this syntactical hellscape of a novel—and that you find Hawthorne as low-key hilarious as I did.