BREAKING: These Are the New American Wizarding Houses and You Can’t Tell Me Otherwise

May 13, 2016 by Elodie

If you’re anything like me, then I’m sorry about that for a variety of reasons. But I’m not sorry if you heard about the apparent leaked wizarding houses of the American school Ilvermorny and your first thought was, “Oh, jeez,” because that was my reaction also. We’re in this together, you and I. We are two peas in a pod of incredulity.

Not only do the purported houses of Wampus, Thunderbird, Pukwudgie, and Horned Serpent derive their significance from creatures of actual Native American folklore (J.K. Rowling’s been in a lot of hot water over this kind of thing before, so that’s a big old yikes), but they are also ROBBING me of the hilarious gibberish I was expecting and which frankly I feel entitled to. These names are just not silly enough. Where is my Hufflepuff? My Slytherin? I want my juggernaut of bonkers syllables, dammit! I want to utter words of nonsense in reverent tones as I categorize myself accordingly! Sure, there’s Pukwudgie. I’ll grant you that. But what if I’m a Thunderbird? What am I supposed to do with that?

In the spirit of this, I’m making up my own American wizarding houses. I think you’ll find that these are all perfectly plausible. Tag yourself, I’m Splurknog.

House: Splurknog
House colors: Magenta and silver
Ghost: Ben Franklin. I think he was probably a wizard who saw value in trying to pass off his magical findings as Muggle “innovations.” What I’m saying here is that electricity is some straight-up wizard nonsense, if not outright dark magic, and I don’t understand any of it. I also don’t get how bifocals work.
House values: Trickery and deceit.
Common room: It’s in a hidden room behind a bookcase in the library. Selecting the correct book (it varies day by day) will prompt the room’s appearance.
Animal: The North American raccoon.

House: Fuddy Dudders
House colors: Lime green and fulvous
Ghost: Typhoid Mary. Hapless baker by day, wizard assassin by night.
House values: The duality of man.
Common room: The entrance is invisible, and can only be found by those who already know where it is.
Animal: The ground squirrel.

House: Puckle
House colors: Sepia tone
Ghost: His name is Jeff, and he is a mystery.
House values: General optimism.
Common room: It’s located in the school’s newly renovated underground swamp dungeon.
Animal: Bigfoot.

House: Wiffpot
House colors: Periwinkle and denim
Ghost: He is half-troll, and they call him the Sun-born Slayer.
House values: Existential chaos
Common room: It’s located in one of the tallest towers and has a lovely view of the school’s haunted pet cemetery. A password is required to enter. However, the password is usually just whatever the plural form of “no-maj” is. Only students who have figured out that catastrophe of grammar are considered worthy enough to enter. Forget Muggleborns and pure-bloods and half-bloods; this is how the House of Wiffpof ensures that they are breeding only the strongest and noblest bloodline.
Animal: The seagull.