CALLING ALL SPARKLERS: What Are You Guys Looking Forward To?

Most of life is just waiting for stuff, whether it’s a pizza delivery or the new season of How to Get Away with Murder. It’s just what we do as people. We wait. I used to live my life one Harry Potter book release date to the next, and when that was over, I had to move on to other obsessions. For instance, I liked when Captain America: Civil War came out last week. That was cool. I had countless hours of frantic, half-delirious anticipation under my belt, and they were finally, finally paying off!

The problem? Now that I’ve seen the movie, I feel empty inside. I’m trying to fill this emptiness with delicious moon pies, and I’m disappointed to report that it’s only sort of working. Here’s the thing: I was looking forward to the movie for so long that I think the rabid excitement became something like 60% of my personality. Now I have to stop relying on Cap’s butt as a conversation piece and start relying on my nonexistent charm. I have to start making jokes and small talk again. I don’t remember how to make jokes and small talk, people, and frankly I’m frightened by the prospect.

This always happens when something I’ve been looking forward to finally comes about. I lose all direction. I deflate like a balloon. I lack purpose. I mean, without the promise of things to come, what am I? Just some lethargic flesh-suit wandering aimlessly through the hollow pit of life. What am I supposed to do? Go back to watching the same 10 episodes of Law & Order and living off the taco crumbs I find in my bed, of which there are so many that I can just about make a whole new taco? I’d rather die. I’ve seen the way the world can be. I’ve seen what it’s like to hope. I can’t go back. I can’t.

So what are you guys looking forward to? What are you waiting for? What’s the next thing on your horizon? Tell me. I need something to keep me going. I’m running on empty here. I need a new lease on life.

OH GOURDS, the loss of Captain America excitement has truly crippled us. Halp us figure out what to look forward to next!