Okay, raise of hands: who saw Infinity War over the weekend? And who DIDN’T see Infinity War over the weekend so now the entire Internet has become an impossible minefield of potential spoilers?
Not only did Infinity War break just about as many box office records as there are characters in the film, but it’s garnering widespread critical acclaim despite the fact that I, upon exiting the theater, witnessed a woman saying fervently to her friend, “I HATE MARVEL FOR WHAT THEY JUST MADE ME WATCH,” which is a fair assessment.
But you don’t want to hear what I think about the movie, mostly because what I think about the movie can’t be summed up in words so much as it can be summed up in frantic hand gestures and violent sobbing. Let’s instead hear what the classic authors of yore would have to say about it.
DISCLAIMER: mild, vaguely worded spoilers ahead. But nothing major or specific, I promise.
“It was a little derivative (killing off beloved characters? That’s MY THING), but overall it wasn’t a bad way to spend an afternoon.” —Shakespeare
“I mean, it was no Free Willy, but it’s up there.” —Herman Melville
“In my opinion, there were far too many people throwing punches and not nearly enough people chastely kissing one another’s hands while taking a chaperoned stroll in the garden.” —Jane Austen
“I liked the handsome, rich guy with a heart of gold who suffered.” —Charlotte Bronte
“My biggest problem with the movie is that it wasn’t an extended political allegory for the dangers of Stalinism. That said, the talking raccoon was pretty cool.” —George Orwell
“Some people thought there were too many characters in the film, but me? I thought there were just enough characters. Honestly, I think it could have used more. My favorite part was when the god-man came down to earth to throw lightning bolts at people. That was pretty cool.” —Homer
“Call me crazy, but I really liked that Thanos guy.” —Rudyard Kipling
“I really liked the villain. I mean, he was this big, ugly, eloquent monster. What’s not to like? You almost—almost—wanted to sympathize with him, but at the end of the day… well, he’s murdering people for his own twisted agenda. So that’s not great.” —Mary Shelley
“I experienced roughly forty-seven feelings while watching this, and all of them were heartbreaking. If you’ve ever read my stuff, you know that’s saying something.” —Victor Hugo
“The movie was WAY too action-packed for my liking. There should have been just one awesome thing happening at any given moment, followed by five hours of absolutely nothing. Maybe throw in a scaffold, I don’t know.” —Nathaniel Hawthorne