Classic Christmas Stories As Reviewed by Fictional Villains
It’s not difficult to guess that all the reviews you’ve heard for A Christmas Carol or The Polar Express were glowing, raving, five-star affairs. After all, Christmas classics are books that warm the heart and bring a little magic into everyone’s lives, right?
WRONG. Some people hate Christmas stories, and those people are villains. (Okay, fine, we’re not saying EVERYONE who hates Christmas stories is a villain, except yes we totally are.) Here’s what some of the greatest antagonists in literature have to say about these beloved holiday classics.
“There are books that completely and utterly change your life, make you look at things with new eyes, show you a whole new way of existing… and then there’s A Christmas Carol. Avada Kedavra with it already.” — Voldemort on A Christmas Carol
“I always say the poor should never be allowed to write. This book is why.” — Tom Buchanan on The Gift of the Magi
“A train wreck if there ever was one. And the Tom Hanks movie? My playing cards are livelier than the faces of those unsettling animated children. OFF with their heads.” — The Queen of Hearts on The Polar Express
“Dull, unimaginative, sentimental. Was this written by my husband? Be honest.” — Lady Macbeth on The Little Match Girl
“Father Christmas and his cast of miscreant polar bears are flat caricatures. Tolkien is only good for writing one kind of character. Me. He should stop trying new things.” — Sauron on Letters from Father Christmas by J.R.R. Tolkien
“It’s like Alice in Wonderland but without a ruthless monarch who’s ready to behead someone at a moment’s notice, and honestly where’s the fun in that?” — Richard III on The Nutcracker and the Mouse King
“Warming the heart, teaching important lessons, giving hope… is there anything this story can do?” — Dracula on The Elves and the Shoemaker
“This only proves what I already know: soldiers are stupid and women are dispensable. The troll trying to separate the two idiots was my favorite character by far.” — Iago on The Steadfast Tin Soldier
“This poem was boring. What was the conflict? Where was the VILLAIN? Give me a story where Santa Claus is actually a Machiavellian criminal mastermind. Now that’s a story I’d read.” — Moriarty on ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas
“Posits the idea that Christmas is about more than just consumerism, then ends the story with everyone embracing consumerism. That’s Doublethink at its finest.” — Big Brother on How the Grinch Stole Christmas
