In Attendance: The Dark Lord Voldemort, better than Albus Dumbledore and the King of Walking Swag Bellatrix Lestrange – Voldemort Rodolphus Lestrange Severus Snape The Malfoy crew Peter Ratarse Pettigrew NOT funny Bellatrix Pius Thicknesse Fenrir Greyback Alecto and Amycus Carrow Yaxley Dolohov Two temps called Bob Six other attendees that no one has ever seen before, but they have the dark mark, so it seems legit
Super-secret plan for destroying Harry Potter
New Death Eater cloaks
Recent things Lucius Malfoy has heard of from Draco
Headmaster Snape’s updates on situation at Hogwarts
Greyback’s request for a higher allowance on children to eat
General request for Greyback to get a trim
Updates on Thicknesse and what he gets up to at the Ministry of Magic
Latest performance from the WE HEART VOLDY club
1. Super-secret plan for destroying Harry Potter
One of the Bobs proposed use of a love potion so Potter falls in love with the Dark Lord.
Dark Lord seemed pleased but Bob was promptly removed from the meeting by an Avada Kedavra curse from Bellatrix.
No other ideas proposed so Dark Lord killed the other temp called Bob to avoid confusion between which one died and which one was alive and the topic was adjourned for next meeting.
2. New Death Eater cloaks
Rodolphus Lestrange presents new design for cloaks featuring the new motto “Voldy or Avada Kedavra” beaded on the back.
Questions regarding where Rodolphus learned to sew were answered with a Cruciatus curse and Yaxley was sent to the dungeons.
New design was approved with minor suggestions, primarily to include a sequined portrait of the Dark Lord above the logo and extension of the sleeves to maximize bat resemblance.
3. Recent things Lucius Malfoy heard about from Draco
There is a distressing lack of Veuve Cliquot at Hogwarts.
After a short discussion it is established young wizards have never been permitted to drink champagne at dinner.
Potter is so annoying, even when he’s not physically there.
A Hufflepuff girl got her pumpkin juice all over Draco’s robes and now he smells like Halloween.
A standard Cruciatus for Dummies handbook has been sent via an owl.
Potter is a dragon turd.
Draco seems unenthusiastic about his assignment to assassinate Dumbledore, but committee agrees it is probably just regular old teen angst.
A fellow Slytherin declined Draco’s invitation to Madam Pudifoot’s tea shop.
Mr Malfoy was promptly brought to silence with the use of Silencio spell and it was decided that Draco would be thrown in the dungeon for a bit at the earliest convenience.
The Dark Lord killed temp Bob again to destress.
4. Snape’s update on situation at Hogwarts
Student progress is stuck at page 394. In every single subject.
Death Eaters work experience program is proving very successful, 12 new recruits are now on stage 2 of their training, earning their silver skulls.
Temporary tattoos of the dark mark have been awarded.
5/6. Greyback’s request for higher allowance of children to eat
Topic merged with subsequent request for Greyback to get a trim.
Allowance increased to two per day, provided he gets a trim.
Someone made a poodle joke and after failure to determine the source, Greyback clawed through temp Bob. (It remains unclear which one.)
7. Updates from Thicknesse
Ministry of Magic has finally been repainted and is now officially in accordance with the Death Eaters stylistic guidelines of all black with a 20% allowance for silver and 9.23% for gold.
Agreement has been made to exempt Dolores Umbridge from the stylistic code as part of the new Employee of the Month scheme, introduced to encourage snitching and increase muggle death rates.
A new holiday has been put forward to celebrate snakes and all things snaky. May 5 will now be known as Nagini Day due to the fact that the number “5” vaguely resembles a snake.
8. Latest performance from the WE HEART VOLDY club
Chair of the WE HEART VOLDY club, Bellatrix Lestrange, has used the Imperius spell on a popular muggle music group One Direction and had them perform what apparently is one of their popular songs—You Don’t Know You’re Beautiful—with a special dedication to Dark Lord himself.
Despite the song’s tactless mention of flipping hair, the Dark Lord was pleased and scalped one of the members before killing the group with a jolly Avada Kedavra curse. The scalp was then repurposed as a wig for the Dark Lord and everyone agreed it looked rather ravishing.
Meeting was concluded by usual entertainment of Nagini devouring a muggle and pumpkin juice refreshments for all that attended.