Let me just start off by saying that I was no Regina George growing up.
I was the person you’d least expect to be wearing a crown at some kind of big dance. At the time, I was a Cady Heron with a terrible fashion sense and highly dysfunctional family. My dad was in and out of prison at this time, too. Not the biggest deal on earth, but in a place small enough that everyone knows everyone else’s business, made it real easy for people to judge you if your dad was the town drunk.
I was lonely. I was going through a hard time. Then a miracle happened: I was named a homecoming princess.
In my high school, prom practically didn’t exist. It was all about homecoming. I think I wore some weird borrowed dress to prom. I (and my mother) ended up spending hundreds on my homecoming dress once we found out I was a princess.
So how on earth did this happen? I wasn’t that pretty. I barely dated anyone. All I have to go on was that one guy I asked to homecoming (who was super popular) may have convinced a classroom full of people to vote for me. My school was so small that that would have been enough.
If that is how it happened, I owe that guy a dinner. Because being named homecoming princess changed my life. I felt so special. The focus was on me and not on my crazy family for once. People were happy for me.
Best of all, the mega popular people who were on homecoming court were super nice to me. The “popular people must all hate me!” myth that some unpopular people tell themselves proved to be absolutely not true. They were all nice to me. They laughed when I waved like an idiot as a joke when my name was called. My identity as The Loser With A Messed Up Family was all just in my own head.
Since then, I went to college. I gained real friends, and traveled to foreign countries. I even seduced a few dudes. Life’s not perfect, and I’m still working toward my dream of being an Awesome Boss Lady of note. But I have more confidence now than I ever imagined having at age 17. Being high school royalty literally changed my life.
But what about the rest of the court? I did some research…
The Homecoming Queen: Popular Quasi-Jock Girl
Rumor had it that this ultra-snobby girl won queen by convincing the entire soccer team to vote for her. I 100% believe this.
She appears to be working in the medical field, as an ultrasound technician. A perfect job for someone who loves travel as she does. Man, she seems so much less snobby. I should send her a Facebook message.
The Homecoming King: Archetypical Popular Jerk
I have no idea why this guy was popular. He was so effing obnoxious, to the point where even I didn’t want to be around him.
He seems like a happy hipster now, living in farm country in another state. But he was also arrested in our hometown for furnishing alcohol to a minor. Womp womp.
Princess #1: Me
Life got so much better after high school. I also grew into my boobs.
Princess #2: Miss Featured-In-Every-Assembly
This person was super nice, but more than anything she was popular because she had a super public talent. You know that person. The freakishly good juggler, the miraculous singer, the fire dancer… that one person that’s so unique that they end up performing at every single assembly. They’re stars.
She ended up devastatingly ordinary: Staying in our hometown, getting married, and training to be a teacher. Blows your mind, doesn’t it?
Princess #3: The Awesome Athlete (That Faded Into The Background)
I honestly don’t remember this lady very much, but that’s probably a good thing. She was a varsity basketball player, and was at least polite to me.
She lives a (presumably) quiet life halfway across the country now, working away at a hardware store. She’s also a cancer survivor. *sends furious awkward hugs across cyberspace*
Prince #1: Won The Most Humorous Award.
This guy was popular because he knew everyone. EVERYONE. He floated between friend groups, and wore tie-dye all the time. Other than having Resting Smug Face, that’s all I remember about him.
He’s now working in explosive ordinance disposal. As in he DIFFUSES BOMBS FOR OUR COUNTRY for a living. Awesome! Alas, his Resting Smug Face remains.
Prince #2: (Was He Or Wasn’t A Stoner?)
This guy was an, ahem, skater dude. He was nice enough, but always seemed a little out of it. A little glassy eyed. When you could see his eyes, that is—his bangs were just at the length of his eyelashes. I DO NOT know why.
Anyway, he’s now a video editor. His most notable video to date is of bicycles racing in the rain, which I can testify is mega cool. He’s also apparently training to be a welder. Yay for making stuff!
Prince #3: Blond Hair, Blue Eyes, Great Attitude.
This was the prince I rode in the car with in the victory lap around the football field the night of homecoming. He was incredibly nice to me, considering he was the hunk of the school and I was an awkward Princess Jellyfish.
Yeah, he’s a staff assistant in the House of Representatives now. Nice guys really do rule the world.