Dream Graduation Speakers, Ranked

May 18, 2017May 17, 2017 by Taylor Noles

With graduation comes commencement speeches, and with commencement speeches comes a 3-hour monologue about the misery awaiting you in the real world, delivered by your profusely sweaty principal. Thrilling, yes? No. Here are some fresher choices for your consideration:

10. Maleficent

Pros: Killer cheeckbones, fierce, fashionable, elegant, great speaking voice, able to turn into a fire-breathing dragon

Cons: Actual killer, mistress of all evil, fictional, able to turn into a fire-breathing dragon, tends to place malevolent curses on young women

Speech Highlight: “Wonderful that you all invited me here today, because if you hadn’t, I would have been forced to…er, be very happy for you.”

9. Abby Wambach

Pros: FIFA Women’s World Cup Champion, two-time Olympic Gold medalist, has already inspired millions of college-aged girls, owns cute English bulldog named Kingston, has golden card from Chipotle entitling her to one free burrito per day for life

Cons: Competitive edge may lead her to slide-tackle other speakers

Speech Highlight: “Congratulations on four grueling years. Now let’s all go celebrate with a few quick sprints around the stadium. HUSTLE HUSTLE HUSTLE”

8. J.K. Rowling

Pros: Brain full of fascinating and impossible ideas, pretty good with words I guess, may possibly give us all BA’s in the Wizarding Arts if we ask nicely

Cons: High possibility that she will kill off some of our favorite graduates

Speech Highlight: “I can neither confirm nor deny the names of the four American wizarding schools. Please stop interrupting my speech.”

7. Marie Curie

Pros: One of the baddest ladies in history, discovered radium and polonium, first woman to win a Nobel Prize. Twice.

Cons: Radioactive

Speech Highlight: “Pardon me, sir, would you hold this Nobel while I finish my speech? And this other Nobel? And these glowing test tubes? Merci.”

6. Ruth Bader Ginsberg

Pros: Lots of practice writing airtight speeches as second female supreme justice and leading litigator for women’s rights, stunningly high work ethic, kicks ass while wearing fishnet gloves

Cons: At 5’1″ she may have trouble reaching the microphone

Speech highlight: “Though members of the court may opine that ramen is not a whole meal, this justice would argue that anyone– man, woman, child, of any creed or color– may for themselves decide what comprises nutrition, and is free to make choices correspondingly. Go forth. Microwave your noodles. The court rests.”

5.Malala Yousafzai

Pros: Activist for women’s education who inspired an international movement, passionate and articulate writer, youngest Nobel laureate in history

Cons: At 18, she may be younger than some of the graduates. Kinda intimidating.

Speech Highlight: [With a flash, Malala turns into a phoenix and rises, singing, above the crowd to wild applause]

4. Jon Stewart

Pros: Hilarious, sharp, able to be both extremely funny and heart-wrenchingly sincere within a single paragraph

Cons: Unrecognizable with his new white hair and beard

Speech Highlight: “And what about those incoming freshmen? Have you seen them? The last time I saw someone so clueless and prone to noisy self-destruction, we nominated them as the Republican presidential candidate.”

3. Joan of Arc

Pros: Inspired a French army to victory with her speechifying and cleverness, is literally a saint

Cons: Hears voices, is extremely dead

Speech Highlight: “Go forth, young graduates, and conquer! Go forth! GO FORTH NOW, CHARGE!!!”

2. Katniss Everdeen

Pros: Alarmingly capable, probably future leader of the free world

Cons: More an action girl than a speech-giver

Speech Highlight: “Listen, I’m not great with people. I only inspired the masses of my society to uprise. But I can try to dig up a few pieces of wisdom.”