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Exclusive Post-Wizarding War Interview Transcript with Draco Malfoy Leaked

The transcript from a 1998 interview with Draco Malfoy published in Details magazine has been leaked by an anonymous source, and gives us an exclusive look at the unedited thoughts of Mr. Malfoy on what happened in the Deatheater camp leading up to Voldemort’s defeat, as well as just how narky the upperclassman was toward non-elites, even in the chastening aftermath of That Hug.

Malfoy met with at-the-time cub reporter for Details, Penelope Shrub, and opened up on why wizards are slow adopters of technology, whether or not vinyl is superior to digital music, and why he thinks his poor old mum was shortchanged on her contribution to the triumph of Dumbledore’s army. It lends perhaps the best portrait available of the tormented Malfoy in the tumultuous years prior to his unorthodox marriage to Astoria Greengrass. This transcript is raw and unedited.

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18 JULY 1998 13:12:09

[After agreeing to be recorded]

MALFOY: So odd, you Muggles and your contraptions.

SHRUB: You don’t have voice recorders in the Wizarding realm?

MALFOY: Certainly not. We have Quick-Quotes Quills that can write everything down for you. You wouldn’t have to waste your time listening to this little box and copying everything down.

SHRUB: Just made me think, I’m terribly curious, do Wizards have any way to listen to music?

MALFOY: What? What on earth do you mean? We have ears obviously.

SHRUB: Yes, but do you keep recordings of music anywhere?

MALFOY: I believe some wizards keep vinyl records, but I hardly see the use. Music is entirely frivolous if you ask me. Especially given the circumstances. Bordering on insensitive of you to ask during an interview about the current subject matter.

SHRUB: Pardon; curiosity got the better of me.

WAITER: Anything to drink?

MALFOY: Yes, bring me a chilled glass of your nuttiest pumpkin juice. I want the fresh, organic juice, mind you. I’ll be able to tell if it isn’t fresh-pulped.

WAITER: I’m so sorry. We don’t serve pumpkin juice. Could I interest you in an orange juice?

MALFOY: What kind of establishment is this? No pumpkin juice? Absurd! Bring your manager over imme—

SHRUB: I’m afraid that’s not a common drink in the Muggle world, Mr. Malfoy. It’s unlikely we would be able to find it at any restaurant in town.

MALFOY: (Mumbling) Ridiculous. Well, surely you have Earl Grey?

WAITER: Yes, sir. Would you like milk and sugar? A lemon?

MALFOY: A lemon?? [thirteen seconds passes] Do I look like a caveman? I’ll have a sodding miniature jug of milk with a Florentine handle, and a bowl of sugar shaped like a bath *thank you kindly,* because I am not a heathen.

WAITER: Of course, sir.

MALFOY: This has been embarrassing for the both of us, note.

WAITER: Of course it has, sir. Anything for you, miss?

SHRUB: Tea as well, please. Thank you very much.

WAITER: Of course. [Waiter’s footsteps can be heard creeping away.]

MALFOY: I don’t know how you Muggles function without house elves. Incompetent louses like that taking care of things for you… must never get anything done. A house elf would be strictly punished for such treatment.

SHRUB: A house elf? Now, that’s like hired help?

MALFOY: Hired? Surely not. House elves belong to the best families. They work for the true magical bloodlines their entire lives.

SHRUB: So, they do not receive payment?

MALFOY: Of course not! Payment. [Laughs] Would you pay someone to do your washing and cooking?

SHRUB: Uh, yes. You have to. It’s a job.

MALFOY: Well, it’s probably just because you’re not high enough up in the rungs of society. I’m sure rich Muggles have something similar. Or perhaps you’re all just left to deal with morons like this fellow. [Tea service clinks gently as waiter lays it on the table].

WAITER: Your tea.

SHRUB: Thank you. Now that we’re settled with beverages perhaps we can get right to it.

MALFOY: Lets.

SHRUB: It’s been quite a whirlwind since Voldemort—am I pronouncing that correctly, Vol-de-mort?

MALFOY: The t is silent actually. Il est en nom Française.

SHRUB: Ah yes, well since Voldemort was killed, quite a lot has changed. There have been numerous stories regarding the role Harry Potter played in Voldemort’s downfall. But, you’ve recently caused quite a stir, claiming that you were the true hero of the day.

MALFOY: Indubitably. Potter gets far too much credit. Always has. I mean, he was initially famous for just not dying. That’s hardly anything, is it? I mean, I also didn’t die that year. Was my name heard round the world? Well, my family name surely was, and shouldn’t that matter more?

More to the point about the events leading up to Voldemort’s defeat. Surely, you must realize that Potter was getting help from many others. How could a mediocre student of magic possibly defeat the greatest wizard that ever was on his own? He couldn’t have! If it weren’t for my interference, and that of my family, Voldemort would have slain that Potter boy and taken over the entire world as he planned all along.

SHRUB: Very interesting. I wonder if you could go into more detail. Prior to Voldemort’s downfall and, indeed, even after the fact, many believed you and your family were strong Voldemort supporters. Some have noted that the last person he clutched to his distended chest was yourself.

[Silence]

SHRUB: I don’t mean to upset you.

MALFOY: No, no, no’tall. If you ask me, he was a bit woo-woo, bit too much time playing croquet on his own, if you get my meaning. And of course we had to pretend to be on Voldemort’s side. Have you never heard of a double agent? Someone has to be on the inside in order to gain information. We risked ourselves more than anyone else! The rest, they were running and hiding like scared little children. We could have been caught at any time. But, we knew, if we were going to act, it would have to be from inside Voldemort’s own camp. That was the only way to make a difference.

SHRUB: Yes, but did you and your family not help in killing some of the students, Aurors, and teachers during the battle of Hogwarts? Surely your undercover status could not have extended to the murder of those on your side?

MALFOY: And if we had turned on Voldemort when we arrived at Hogwarts? How would this story have ended? My mother saved Potter’s life! She told Voldemort he was dead! Dead! He should have been dead by all accounts. But, she LIED to The Dark Lord. Now, would she have been able to take this great risk had she run over to help the ickle first years? No!

SHRUB: Yes, your mother was tremendously brave in defying Voldemort. Where were you around that time?

MALFOY: Where was I? Who knows? I could have been anywhere. It was a war!

SHRUB: So, this wasn’t around the time that you were attempting to murder Mr. Potter?

MALFOY: Oh, please! Is that what he said? Murder indeed. I just knew how utterly useless Potter was. I knew he was looking for something to defeat Voldemort, but I figured I should handle it. After all, the number of times he has nearly been killed already—I had a way in with Voldemort. I could achieve what Potter wanted to do so much more quickly!

SHRUB: So, your intent was never to kill Mr. Potter?

MALFOY: Of course not! Who saved him when the idiot was captured and brought to my house? Me! I will admit that Auntie Bellatrix was a bit touched, and she would have killed Harry on the spot if she had known it was him. But, I refused to identify him. It’s thanks to me that he didn’t die right there and then!

SHRUB: So, it wasn’t a change of heart or a moment of conscience that stopped you from revealing Mr. Potter?

MALFOY: Change of heart?

SHRUB: Yes, it quite well known that you and Mr. Potter had your issues while at Hogwarts together.

MALFOY: Have you met Mr. Potter? Any lump with half a brain would have issues with that nitwit. Entirely worthless, really. Do you know how many chances he and that Dumbledore had to kill Voldemort over the years? Practically every year since we started school, Potter would have some sort of run in with Voldemort. He could have saved a lot of lives if he and Dumbledore had just finished him off any one of those times! In fact, it’s gotten me thinking lately…

SHRUB: Please, do tell.

MALFOY: Well, really, how do we know that Potter wasn’t in on it with Voldemort the whole time? I mean, there’s really no logical explanation for him surviving so many attacks unscathed. And there’s precedent for Voldemort surviving in a host. How do we know that Voldemort hasn’t just taken another form as Potter? It could have been their plan all along.

SHRUB: But, why would Voldemort prefer to live as a parasite on Mr. Potter as opposed to in his full human form? He was so close to victory and control over all the Wizarding world before Potter defeated him.

MALFOY: Don’t look to me to explain the thinking of a madman, I’m just saying it seems suspicious. And after all the ill treatment my family has received, I think someone ought to be looking a little more closely at the details.

SHRUBQuite. All extremely fascinating Mr. Malfoy. I do have a couple more frivolous questions if you don’t mind. The readers like to feel like they’ve gotten to know the subject a bit.

MALFOY: Ah yes, always looking to grow my fan club. You know they have a nickname now? Dracutties. Adorable, isn’t it?

SHRUB: Adorable. Here’s one sent in from a reader, what is your hair maintenance regimen?

MALFOY: Ahhh, unfortunately no great secret there. I’m afraid I’m just blessed in that department.

SHRUB: No specific product or routine?

MALFOY: All natural.

SHRUB: Right. Okay, here’s another, if you could be prime minister—or I suppose that would translate to Minister of Magic for you—for a day, what laws would you make?

MALFOY: While the most recent Ministry obviously went to some extremes, I do think they were on the right track. Magical blood must be preserved. And Muggles should really stay well out of our affairs.

SHRUB: But, you’re doing an interview with a Muggle magazine right now.

MALFOY: Only because you seem to be so woefully misinformed. If you’re to know about wizards at all, the least you should do is have the correct information.

SHRUB: [Long pause] Let’s finish with this one. What quality do you find most attractive in a woman?

MALFOY: Easy, good bloodlines. And, obviously she needs to be beautiful. Preferably a strong witch, but certainly not stronger than me.

SHRUB: Well, this has been most illuminating Mr. Malfoy.

MALFOY: I’m sure it has been. The media really should be stepping up its game you know. Entirely biased coverage of the whole thing.

SHRUB: Yes, well each journalist tries her best I suppose.

MALFOY: Hardly good enough it would seem.

SHRUB: (Waving down the waiter) Could we have the check please?

MALFOY: Are your parents Muggles? They must be. I really don’t know how you lot survive. So primitive.

SHRUB: I’ve heard a rumor that wizards don’t have cell phones, is that correct?

MALFOY: What on earth would we need those retched devices for?

WAITER: The check. Thank you for dining with us.

MALFOY: No need to be too thankful. I won’t be recommending this establishment to anyone I know.

SHRUB: (Signing the check) Well, cell phones allow you to communicate with people instantly. I believe wizards are currently only able to communicate as fast as owls can travel.

MALFOY: Unless we apparate. Do tell me, are Muggles still using giant flying tennis-ball tubes to travel long distances?

SHRUB: Airplanes, yes. You have me there Mr. Malfoy. Well, it’s been a pleasure speaking with you. I’m sure readers will be most intrigued by your side of things.

MALFOY: I would think so. And if you need any help writing, Rita Skeeter has done some lovely coverage on my family prior. I’d be happy to put you in touch.

SHRUB: What a generous offer. I think I’ll have quite a bit to work with once I listen to my tape here.

MALFOY: [Laughs] Yes, I’m sure your toy will be most useful. I really must run. I have an afternoon game of something called golf with a Mr. Trump. He was quite insistent on meeting with me, you know. He’s something of a celebrity with you Muggles, is he not?

SHRUB: Donald Trump? Yes, he certainly is. If you have any comments about him after you meet him, I’d love to add those to the article.

MALFOY: We’ll have to see. My schedule is absolutely packed. This has taken up quite a lot of time as it is.

SHRUB: Of course, I wouldn’t want to impose. Good evening Mr. Malfoy.

MALFOY: Good evening Muggle writer. [Malfoy gets up from the table and walks away].

Waiter: Bit of a git, that one.

SHRUB: He most certainly is.

18 JULY 1998 13:59:45

Are there any other fictional characters you would love to see the secret interview transcripts for? Let us know!