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Horoscopes Written By Famous Authors

The Brothers Grimm, Scorpio: The ghosts of lovers past may tempt you during a full moon on September 6. These ghosts have terrible hungry mouths full of sharp teeth; they eat orphan children left in the woods, and if you don’t weave a basket full of golden wool, they will eat you too.

Jane Austen, Sagittarius: The full moon rises right above your star sign. It’s a lovely time to go for a walk in the meadows. Take some time to lie in the fields and look at the charming English sky—your romantic interest will stumble upon you when he loses his pony.

James Joyce, Cancer: Enters the house of Saturn. A fine house. Tip-top, straight flush to Grafton. Pint of stout? Don’t mind if I do; a fine, up-standing house as I’ve said. An orbit of kindness, with a plate of bubble and squeak for everybody. If somebody asks you to travel, say yes I will yes I said Yes.

Kurt Vonnegut, Leo: I can’t promise you anything. The only person I know who can time travel is Billy Pilgrim, and he won’t tell me his secrets. But I know this: everything will be beautiful, and nothing will hurt.

Nietzche, Aries: This month, your life is a bare and joyless trudge; a meaningless battle against the tides of decay, one you cannot win, as rot comes to each of us in time. Your soul, likewise, a pit of wretchedness; for a thousand and a thousand years more you could fight the rising darkness, and this would be nothing, only vapor dissipating in the abyss. Treat yourself to a nice meal.

Edgar Allen Poe, Taurus: The moon will come knocking on your chamber door, and you shall answer-—Nevermore.

C. S. Lewis, Gemini: As Mercury moves into retrograde, you will find yourself in a strange new psychic space. A place of black dwarfs, and centaurs, and boggles. Here, take this magic sword.

J. R. R. Tolkien, Virgo: One Moon to rule them all, One Moon to control your emotional life, One Moon to open you up to romance in the month of October. And the planets which bind us.

Arthur Conan Doyle, Libra: I can’t tell you exactly what’s going to happen to you on November 2, but I’ve left enough clues throughout this article that you should be able to deduce it– if you’ve any worthy powers of observation.

Ayn Rand, Capricorn: What are you looking up for? Those are just a bunch of rocks swinging through the cold vacuum of space. Here on Earth, it’s your month to concentrate on what really matters: money, and power, and getting power with money.

Walt Whitman, Aquarius: When I heard the learn’d astrologer, / When the proofs, the figures, were arranged in columns before me, / When I was shown the charts and diagrams, to add, divide, and measure them,  / I still didn’t understand it, and regretted hiring an astrologer instead of a financial adviser.

Ray Bradbury, Pisces: On September 4, the sun opposes Neptune. Trust your feelings and intuition. Be more psychic. Don’t be alarmed at the smoke rising over the horizon. That’s just the result of your government asserting peace and control over the numbed populace. Jupiter opposes Saturn on the 27th.