How to Figure Out Someone Else’s Hogwarts House
If you’re like everyone else on this planet, then you probably already know which Hogwarts House you’d belong to in the wizarding world, and you’ve accessorized accordingly. But not everyone sports a Gryffindor scarf day in and day out. (A shock, I know. Take a minute.) So how are you supposed to spot Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws, Gryffindors, and Slytherins in the wild?
With this handy guide, of course! It’s here to help you recognize members of each house in five situations that I’m told involve other people.
The houses at a yard sale
Ravenclaw: 25 cents would be a STEAL if these textbooks weren’t so out of date. Whatever. I’ll take them all.
Hufflepuff: I’m buying a scented candle for everyone I know, and then some. Just in case there’s someone I’m forgetting.
Slytherin: This antique cup would make a great Horcrux… if it weren’t Muggle-made.
Gryffindor: What a score! Look at all these old journals I found, and books that come with annotations! There’s no way this could go horribly wrong!
The houses at a barbecue
Ravenclaw: That potato salad has been sitting in the sun for three hours. It is a mayo-based vessel of death or at least food poisoning, and I’m not touching it.
Hufflepuff: No, you should have the last hotdog. I’ll even grill it for you.
Slytherin: Either the Dark Lord is summoning me, or I just forgot to put sunscreen on my forearm.
Gryffindor: I’m no hero—I just do the things other people won’t. I’m going to bow my head, grit my teeth, and eat that potato salad.
The houses at a movie theater
Ravenclaw: None of these options seem cerebral enough, you know? Who wants to go home and watch a nine-part documentary on the Civil War?
Hufflepuff: You want to go splitskies on a large popcorn? I’m buying.
Slytherin: I’m going to the bathroom, and if a single Milk Dud is missing when I return, you’re dead to me.
Gryffindor: If there were no exploding cars, was it really even a Michael Bay movie? What was the point?
The houses at a swimming pool
Ravenclaw: What a perfect place to stretch out on a towel and read and go nowhere near the water.
Hufflepuff: I thought someone should let you know that your suit is riding up in the back. Also, do you need sunscreen? Goggles? Extra flip flops? I’ve got you covered.
Slytherin: What a perfect place to splash someone who’s reading on a towel.
Gryffindor: Who’s up for a game of pool noodle Quidditch?
The houses at a state fair
Ravenclaw: Don’t bother with the guy who guesses people’s ages and weights. It’s quite simple, really. Here’s the trick…
Hufflepuff: Who wants to get matching airbrush tattoos? Anyone?
Slytherin: I have a basilisk I’d like to enter in the livestock division, I hope that’s cool.
Gryffindor: Please direct me to your most terrifying ride. Don’t pull any punches. I crave fear.
Until the release of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Parts I & II. Pre-order now.
