Everything I know about dating I’ve learned from superhero movies. When two people like each other very much, they go out on a date—and then one gets kidnapped by the bad guys, or thrown off a bridge, or shot in the spine with a deflected bullet or something like that.
But if there’s anything I’ve learned about dating specifically from patriotic beefcake Steve Rogers, also known as Captain America, well, it’s this:
Q. So I have a crush. How can I get them to notice me? A. Become a genetically modified super-soldier with the butt of the gods.
Are they watching? Perfect. Jump on a live grenade.
Help them commandeer a plane for an illegal rescue mission behind enemy lines in the most heavily fortified territory in all of Europe. Maybe throw a wink somewhere in there, I don’t know.
Q. How can I tell if they like me? A. Kiss someone else and see if they shoot your Vibranium shield four times with a gun. That should do it.
Q. I think they might actually be dating someone. How do I find out for sure? A. Just ask them! But not in a way that could be misconstrued as straightforward or logical. That’s for amateurs. Dance around the topic. Use “fondue” as a euphemism for sex. Jump out of the plane without waiting for a response.
Q. I think I’m ready. How should I ask them out on a date? A. Tell them they were meant for more than this.
While you are literally in the process of sacrificing yourself for the greater good of all mankind, make plans to go dancing. Plans you won’t be able to keep. Plans that will go up in smoke as you nose-dive a Nazi aircraft into the ocean and presumably shuffle off this mortal coil.
Spend the next 70 years cryogenically frozen in ice while everyone you know and love gets old, dies, or is forced to become a brainwashed assassin.
Q. Wait, what about the date? A. You’re not going on a date. The date is a lie. Everything is a lie is this cruel, unfeeling world. At least you have the greatest butt in all the lands, right? But God, at what cost?
WELP,after reading this., dating should be a piece of cake. Got any questions? This pic of Chris Evans’ butt has the answers.