How to Go On a First Date, According to Jane Austen

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a first date must be a complete catastrophe for everyone involved. If you’re lucky, it will only be a minor catastrophe, and barely anyone will wind up disgracing the family name. But what if I told you—just stay with me on this—that there was a way to neutralize the risk and walk away with a perfectly adequate (dare I say successful) first date under your linen brocade belt?

How, you ask? Why, by turning to the expert herself: Jane Austen.

Q. How should I prepare for a first date?
A. Be sure to clean out your horse-drawn carriage. Use the good horses.

Stealthily inquire about his parentage. Someone in the neighborhood should know.

Practice bowing. You’re shooting for a shallow bow of acknowledgment here—nothing too aggressive. And God forbid you kiss her dainty gloved hand right off the bat like some kind of debaucherous sex hound.

Q. What should I wear?
A. Put on your finest, tightest, most perfectly tailored knee-length breeches, if you’re one of the menfolk. I hope you’ve been working on those sideburns, because they could make or break the date. Show some calf.

Ladies—your best crinolines, corset, muslin chemise, petticoat, layered skirt, gloves, parasol, bonnet, handbag, and handkerchief will do.

Q. What are some fun first date ideas?
A. Go to a country ball and scoff at everything.

Play whist.

Put on an amateur play dealing with themes of adultery that will foreshadow your illicit affair.

Take a leisurely afternoon promenade. With chaperones, of course.

Break your ankle (shout out to you, Meg March).

Glance shyly at each other while someone is playing the pianoforte.

Q. How do I even know if I’m on a date?
A. You are.

Q. But what if—
A. TRUST ME.

Q. What should I do once I’m actually on the date?
A. Insult her mother.

Only dance with her twice. Any less and your shameful lack of interest will be noted by all. Any more and you’ll soil her virtue.

Faint dead away due to your delicate constitution. Require the smelling salts.

Avoid conducting yourself in a manner that might be considered “disagreeable.”

If he seems like a giant douchecanoe, give him seven more chances.

Q. What are some good topics of conversation?
A. Don’t be stingy with the compliments. Tell her she’s tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt you.

Make an abrupt proposal.

Tell her you loathe small talk and all who engage in it.

Talk about monogamy and how great it is.

Query about his modest inheritance.

Query about her dowry.

Have a misunderstanding.

Ask her to marry you because her sister was already taken and you’re pretty much the best she can do.

Q. Should we kiss good night?
A. Only if you want to skip the courtship ritual, get married, and be with child right then and there, you wretched, godless degenerate.

Q. How long should I wait before contacting her again?
A. A week, at least. If you’re really hardcore, a month. Or three. Leave town. Never return.

Get it? Got it? GOOD. Now put on those breeches, pack up your smelling salts, and GO ACE THAT FIRST DATE.