How to Stay in a Long Distance Friendship
Facebook, Facetime, GChat, Instagram, Pinterest, Snapchat, Skype, Tumblr, Twitter, Viber, WhatsApp—with all of these ways to share things and contact people, regardless of their timezone, staying in touch should be easy, right? Err, not exactly. I mean, sure, it’s better than it was in Jane Austen’s time, when the closest thing to a Snapchat was a quick sketch on paper with a note to burn after reading—but it’s still hard to maintain intimacy when you’re not bumping to someone in the halls at school or laughing at your bio teacher’s awkwardness or stressing about the same tests and social events. And all the ways to stay in touch just end up putting extra pressure on you. It should be easy with all these tools, but it’s not. Long distance friendship simply takes more effort, as I learned when I moved halfway across the country for grad school. Here are some tips from my own experiences staying in touch:
Call your friend as frequently as you can, even if it’s just for five minutes at a time—when you’re running a quick errand, walking home from school, or out with the dog. If you don’t talk for a while—a week, two weeks, a month—suddenly there’s sooooo much to catch up on and it gets harder and harder to find a time to call. Plus, the more frequently you talk, the more you can share the weird, trivial things about your day like the amazing breakfast burrito you made for dinner or the puppy you saw in a bicycle basket. And in my experience, it’s that stuff—the small stuff—that makes you feel close (though crying on each other’s virtual shoulders is obviously important, too).
Answer their calls and respond to their texts ASAP…
…BUT remember that sometimes people need to go AWOL and be understanding. No one can be available all of the time. That said, if it’s final week or you just got internet grounded and you know in advance you can’t be Timon to their Pumba, a heads-up can’t hurt will help allay any fears that you’ve replaced them with your new next-door neighbor.
Be direct with your feelings. If you’re texting or phoning, you or your friend will inevitably miss some of the body language cues you’d catch in person—cues that say, I’m legit pissed you don’t like The Hunger Games or I’m upset right now even though I keep saying I’m fine. In other words: if something’s bothering you, say so. And, if you notice they’re responding to your texts in four minutes rather than two, ask them if anything’s up.
Remember their birthdays. And make a big deal out of them with a combined virtual and snail mail barrage.
Tune into Skype and just chill. What you lose in long distance is often the passive hanging out. Try to replicate it. Paint your nails, watch Buffy, read a book, do your homework, dance around to the Frozen soundtrack…try to do whatever you might do on a Saturday afternoon in person. It will take the pressure off the conversation and allow you to be your silliest selves.
Visit, if possible. Meet up in the middle, split the costs for one of you to fly to see the other, or start saving babysitting money to do so. There’s still no substitute for IRL hangouts and even a weekend trip can fuel your inside joke pool for months at a time.
Make a book club. If you used to live in the same place, go the same school, and play the same sports, it can be hard to transition to a friendship outside of that shared environment, when you could always resort to talking about homework or practice or the new mall. To ease the transition, do things—like read a book, learn to knit, watch movies—together. It will give you something to talk about. And another reason to read 🙂
Do you have any experience with long distance friendships? What tricks do you have to stay close when you’re far?
