How to Tell If You’re About to Die in a Horror Movie

I have never been in a horror movie, crouching in the shadows while an ax-wielding maniac lurks ever nearer, but I have watched at least two of those things (from between my fingers, with the lights on. The TV was also muted). From this I was able to deduce that surviving a horror film is less about wits and courage and more about knowing danger when you see it.

Sometimes, however, there’s no helping you. Sometimes the die is cast, your fate has been sealed, and there’s nothing left to do but hope your death is swift. Here’s how you know if you’re about to bite it in a horror movie:

1. Whenever you answer the phone, there’s a lot of heavy breathing. This could be asthma, but it probably isn’t.

2. Your friend took a babysitting job in a secluded, neighborless mansion with too many windows. In spite of the fact that this sounds like a recipe for murder, you’re going to drop by and visit her.

3. The animals are dying.

4. The wind is picking up.

5. It’s the middle of the night, and your car won’t start.

6. You’re heading off on your own to investigate something innocuous. This could be a creak in the hallway, footsteps in the attic, or the rustling of leaves in a misty wood. Whatever it is, there’s no reason you shouldn’t go to check it out on a solo mission.

7. You’ve come across a defunct insane asylum and your friends are daring you to go inside.

8. You’re running from the killer, and you’ve barricaded the door with easily moveable objects.

9. You and your wife just purchased a new home. You weren’t paying close attention when the real estate agent explained the house’s history, but now that you’re here you’re wondering if you should have. The neighbors won’t meet your eyes.

10. When you enter rooms, all the candles are snuffed out by an unseen force—possibly the winds of fate.

11. It’s Halloween, and there’s a curse that needs to be broken.

12. Someone’s batting around the word “exorcism.”

13. You don’t believe in ghosts. You share this information with anyone who will listen.

14. You’re taking a shower at night. No one else is home, probably.

15. You stop at a motel to ask for directions. When it transpires that the nearest town is still hours away, you’re persuaded to spend the night by an amicable concierge. You proceed to ignore a whole slew of red flags, like the flickering lights, the inexplicable circus music that seems to be coming from nowhere, and the fact that the walls are oozing.

16. You accidentally killed someone last summer and are just kind of hoping it never comes up again.

17. The groundskeeper is acting squirrelly.

18. You’re fleeing the killer and desperately trying to open your car door when—whoops! You’ve dropped your keys! This right here and why I never lock my car. I just leave all the doors wide open and whatever happens happens.

19. You live in a world where zombies exist, and you’re the weakest link. You’re going on a supply run with the group leader out of a misplaced sense of pride and obligation. You haven’t yet mastered the use of a single weapon, but why should that stop you?

20. You’re making a distress call, but there’s a storm coming and the signal is bad.

21. You’ve strayed from the path, in spite of the fact that someone literally just told you to stick to the path.

22. You’re a teen hanging out in a derelict graveyard with your friends. Something horrible happened here many years ago. This worries no one, apparently.

23. Someone you know owns a ventriloquist dummy.

24. You have a child or a younger sibling who walks around at night for one reason or another.

25. You keep seeing shadows on the walls out of the corner of your eye. But when you turn to look—they’re gone.

26. You’re going swimming at midnight.

27. You’re running from the killer. You slam the door behind you and lock it. The only thing left to do is lean your back against it, breathing hard.

28. Have you ever seen a chainsaw? Ever, in your entire life? Nice knowing you.

29. Your friends have decided to whip out the old ouija board at a party. You’re hesitant, but why not? It’s just some good clean fun.

30. You had sex with someone. Recently, or just whenever. This is especially true if 1) you’re young and in love, or 2) you hooked up in a car in the middle of the woods, like some kind of utter, mortal fool.