I Cannot EVEN With These U.S. Presidents

The first thing you learn in Nineteenth-Century Dueling 101 is that when you’re challenged to a duel, the person challenged is the one who gets to pick the weapons. Most people back then shrugged and chose a pistol.

Abraham Lincoln was once challenged to a duel.

Abraham Lincoln thought duels were silly, so he picked a “cavalry broadsword of the largest size” and ordered a ten-foot plank to be placed between the two men under the conditions that if either man stepped over the plank, he should be smote on the spot.

So, like…

image via Wikicommons/iStock/SparkLife

And that is why I cannot even with Abraham Lincoln.

Thomas Jefferson and John Adams once went to Shakespeare’s birthplace and cut little wood chips out of his chairs as a souvenir.

The main reason I can’t even with James Madison is that there’s a Tumblr account dedicated to inventorying his redeeming qualities, which remain unclear, tbh.

Andrew Jackson taught his parrot to curse, which had to be removed from the premises during his funeral because it wouldn’t stop cursing.

James Monroe once chased his Secretary of State out of the White House with a pair of fire tongs.

William Howard Taft often got stuck in the White House bathtub.

Calvin Coolidge would press all the buttons on his desk, hide to see who would run in, and then pop out and tell everyone he was just making sure they were all working.

Franklin Pierce was arrested during his presidency for running a woman over with his horse.

Ulysses S. Grant got pulled over for a speeding ticket while riding a horse too fast in D.C.

I can’t even with Rutherford B. Hayes because he was a baaaaabe. That is all.

Chester A. Arthur owned over 80 pairs of pants.

Herbert Hoover had two pet alligators. Two.

Teddy Roosevelt made everyone in his family use stilts.

William Henry Harrison gave the longest ever recorded inauguration speech (1h40), got pneumonia from being outside the whole time, and died a month later. I’m sorry, but REALLY, WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON?! I can’t.

And for the grand finale: The “S” in Harry S. Truman ISN’T EVEN SHORT FOR ANYTHING.

Which president can you not even deal with right now the MOST?