I Let Google Make All of My Decisions for a Day and This is What Happened
Everyone knows Google has all the answers to life’s toughest questions, but what if we also used Google to answer life’s simplest questions? In the interest of leaving no rock unturned, SparkLife decided to put Google to the test by putting me, the only available MOST COURAGEOUS Splogger on the case. There was only one rule: before I could do anything, I had to ask Google’s advice—and then I had to obey the top result.
The night before, I asked Google when I should wake up. Instead of being spoon-fed the answer like the mindless humanoid I strive to be, I was given choices. Ughzaroni! So I chose to get up that morning at 10:04 AM. Those extra four minutes made ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
The first thing I asked in the morning was the same thing I ask myself every morning—should I walk backwards today? Normally, I decide not to, but Google is not me, and he said I should. This slowed down my entire day by at least 10, if not 100, percent.
Once I was up and moving backwards, I asked Google what I should wear. I was forced to actually use my own brain yet again to take a quiz, which told me I should wear a dress. WHICH DRESS, QUIZ?? IT’S LIKE YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW MY CLOSET.
I went to the second Google result to narrow things down, and took another quiz that told me to wear “a super crazy outfit with an insane amount of color” that I should pair with my “craziest hat.” So obviously my first choice was to wear my cat onesie with a dress over it. When I asked Google for confirmation, he decided to get all judge-y about it, and told me “a onesie doesn’t count as clothes.” WHATEVER. At this point, it became clear that Google hates me.
So that’s how I ended up wearing a red dress with multicolored leggings and a moose hat.
By this point, I was getting pretty sick of quizzes, so I decided to ask Google Images how I should do my hair and makeup. For the first time ever, Google actually suggested I ask about makeup specific to a red dress, which was very thoughtful of him.
Then, JUST AS WE WERE FINALLY GETTING ALONG, I asked Google what I should do for the day, and he ACTUALLY TOLD ME TO GET LOST. Specifically, Google said I should drive until I got lost, BUT I KNEW WHAT HE WAS IMPLYING.
Hoping to ease the tension, I asked, “Can I bring a friend?” only to be told it’s “May I bring a friend?” Like a grade school teacher who doesn’t understand that your bladder cannot be contained by grammar rules, Google didn’t even answer my question when I rephrased it to be more correct. RUDE. So I brought a friend anyway.
I would seriously recommend trying to get lost to anyone who is learning how to drive in the area they grew up in because I WAS SO BAD AT GETTING LOST I ACTUALLY GAINED KNOWLEDGE OF WHERE THINGS WERE. After several hours of driving I ended up in a place that I later learned was only 17 minutes away from my house.
Next, Google told me to follow a dream. I mostly don’t sleep, so my friend and I decided to follow her dream of owning a ferret. Upon looking up the nearest pet store, we discovered a place called Victoria’s Pet Secret. THAT’S RIGHT. VICTORIA’S PET SECRET ACTUALLY EXISTS. THE WORLD IS AN AMAZING PLACE. Then, IN THE MOST TRAGIC TWIST OF ALL TIME, Victoria’s Pet Secret was closed. Presumably because it is for adult animals only and we went during the day.
Once you discover that there is a store devoted to making dog bras, the rest of your day is pretty much guaranteed to go downhill. Sure enough, Google next told me to bake. I KNOW HE DID THIS BECAUSE HE THINKS I CAN’T.
Surprisingly, The baking aisle of the nearest grocery store actually had a ton of options. I was in no way surprised by this because I bake ALL THE TIME. (OKAY, GOOGLE?? THAT FIRE WAS A FLUKE. ALSO IT WAS INTENTIONAL.) On a completely unrelated note, you should never put a tortilla in a toaster, Sparklers. Not that I would know what that causes. But it maybe involves flames.
Anyway, I took yet another quiz to decide on what to bake, and I was told to bake an Oreo/M&M brownie thingamajig. That’s the technical baking name. I should know. I’m basically a professional baker.
Once our browniemajig was finished, Google very rudely told my friend and I that we should go eat Asian food instead of eating the food we had just finished making. So we did, and it was SO MUCH BETTER THAN ANYTHING I’VE EVER MADE okay, I guess.
When I got back from eating, I asked Google the most important question of all—should I bother my cat? This was Google’s final chance to make it all up to me, AND HE BLEW IT. The top result was a Yahoo answer that said bothering a cat is animal abuse. Clearly Google does not understand how easy it is to annoy a cat. IF I ONLY INTERACTED WITH MY CAT IN WAYS HE LIKED, I WOULD NEVER SEE HIM.
Overall, I would say this process has left me on pretty thin ice with Google. I think after years of being asked what to do all the time, Google has gotten pretty sick of it and instead tries to force everyone to think for themselves with quizzes. In response, I have decided to go against Google by doing the very last thing any website wants—continuing to use its services. SO TAKE THAT, GOOGLE!
This post was so hilarious that we’ve decided to try this experiment for ourselves. Will we be as brave as Lanie and actually stick to what Google tells us? ALMOST DEFINITELY NOT. But we’re excited to try! (And then inevitably fail!) Would you ever consider doing what Google tells you for an entire day?
