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If Books Were Bands

Any hardcore fan of The Doors knows that the band got its name from Aldous Huxley’s book The Doors of Perception. If I had a shred of musical talent, there is a great chance that I’d follow in the footsteps of Modest Mouse, Belle & Sebastian, Titus Andronicus, and Meatloaf (jkkkk) and name my hypothetical band after an awesome book.

Below, I speculate about what seven books would look and sound like if they were leather-pants-clad musicians battling it out for a spot at Glastonbury instead books gunning for a Pulitzer.


The Perks of Being a Wallflower – Every high school seems to have its own species of teenage angst band. You know, the one with the lead singer in desperate need of an appointment at the barber because can he even see through the hair over his eyelids? They’re likely to be found playing Radiohead covers or Asleep by The Smiths, over and over and over… and over again. Some say the bass guitar player sort of looks like Hermione. Parents think they’re bad news and wonder whether they should let their kids prance off to PoBaW’s gigs.

The Fault in Our Stars – is the name of the YouTube channel of the girl who sings in her room with her acoustic guitar. The beauty of her voice gives your throat that lumpy crying feel for minutes on end, but you hold it in so that your messy sobs don’t interfere with her heavenly singing. Especially with that Moon River cover. Ooooof. She’s had a tough time in life so far, but music has allowed her to get through it all, and you can feel that within the first second of her melancholic single, “I’m All Out of Hair Dye.”

Animal Farm – They’re as good an acappella group as you can get. According to the tenors, when the group started they worked in a very egalitarian and democratic fashion, which was the secret behind their perfect coordination of harmonies. But lately there’s been some authoritarian behavior spotted from the baritones that has escalated quickly. No news on what this means for the future of barbershop melodies.

The Outsiders – This is the name of a Tribe Called Quest-style hip-hop group. When they formed in high school, they were known to gather huge crowds during recess. You’d see their name Sharpie-d all over desks and lockers, giving the crew a bad reputation among the school’s teachers. Once they graduated, their album took off (it didn’t hurt that Chance the Rapper once retweeted their SoundCloud link).

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants – If Destiny’s Child had a child (Destiny’s Grandchild?) with the Spice Girls, and that child had a child with Bananarama, not only would you get the most amazing family tree ever, but also this explosion of a girl band. They’re four charmingly coordinated pop singers that have unparalleled taste in spandex and denim. Rumor had it last summer that someone might pull a Zayn—one wanted to move to Greece and another started to think that soccer was her true calling.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being – This indie folk act, much like Bon Iver, is known for their inspirational lyrics—the kind you want to tattoo onto your forearm in a triangle. They’re also immensely quotable whenever you’re having deep conversations (about liberty, Nietzsche, the USSR. You know, important stuff)Your best friend, an all-out fangirl of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, mocks your intellectual defense of what she calls “those Fleet Foxes wannabes.”

The Lord of the Flies – When you’re sort of mad at the universe and want people to think that you shouldn’t be messed with, you turn up Lord of the Flies songs at max volume. Everyone keeps telling you that this is going to screw up your eardrums, but nothing makes you feel more alive and understood quite like that death metal guitar and those screeching lyrics about humanity’s natural tendency towards conflict.

Image credit: / Facebook – Metallica, Destiny’s Child, A Tribe Called QuestThe Smiths / Youtube – Valentina Cytrynowicz, Wiki – Bon Iver