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If Fictional Characters Could Text, PART FOUR

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Texting is the best thing since carrier pigeons. This is a fact. Old people can yammer all they want about how it’s the millennial scourge of mankind that will bring us all to ruin, but at the end of the day, I can push a few buttons on my phone and make pizza appear on my doorstep. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE TECHNOLOGY, OLD PEOPLE. THE FUTURE IS NOW.

And really, fictional characters are just like us. They have the same hopes and dreams and yearnings for doorstep pizza as we do. That’s why If Fictional Characters Could Text is BACK and BETTER THAN EVER, and it’s featuring the return of some of your favorites. We’ve got pun master Peeta Mellark, Fitzwilliam “WHAT IS SUBTLETY” Darcy, and Severus “BLATANTLY IGNORING MY OWN PERSONAL SHORTCOMINGS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH” Snape. We’ll also be introducing some newbies to the gang, like Rudy “FORESHADOWING IS MY SUPERPOWER” Steiner and Helen of Troy, who as it turns out was actually just very hungry. Your English teachers will probably tell you differently, but what do they know?