SparkNotes Blog

If Our Favorite Fictional Characters Were Pokemon, Here’s What They Would Be

So there I was, elbows-deep in my Pokemon GO addiction and trawling the Internet for knowledge of or relating to why my Pokeballs always seem to rocket-launch into outer space, when I made a discovery. I discovered that Alakazam—the final evolved form of Abra—looks like Gandalf. Do not fight me on this. He’s a magical humanoid with facial hair. I knew at once that I couldn’t just sit on this information; I had to tell the world. The people needed to know.

Besides, what if there were others out there? Other fictional characters with inexplicable Pokemon likenesses? Well, spoiler alert: there are.

Remember Nick Carraway from The Great Gatsby? This is him. I mean look at this thing. Look how dumb it is. You can’t behold this sack of sad and tell me that it hasn’t given up on all human decency. I blogged The Great Gatsby in all of its hilarious but interminable glory; at various points in the novel, Nick lost his dog, got drunk alone at a party, and had embarrassing towels. He also lost his closest friend and watched helplessly as all his ideas about the world were torn asunder. By the end of the novel, I’m betting that he, much like Stunfisk here, looked like an upside-down turkey that got run over by a cabbage truck.

Ebenezer Scrooge. I mean, obviously. Is this not the most Ebenezer Scrooge-looking thing you’ve ever seen, Pokemon or otherwise? There’s a look in those eyes. The look says “Sure, I’m for all intents and purposes a harmless pink bulldog, but I’d let a small child die with little to no compunction.”

I defy you to look at this rage monkey and not think of Jack Merridew from Lord of the Flies. Primeape looks like it is threading an impressive needle between “Problem Child who’s always being sent to the principal’s office” and “sociopath whose closet is full of heads,” which is just the Jack Merridew way. I’m blogging Lord of the Flies right now, and oh boy. Jack Merridew is a ticking time bomb if I ever saw one.

I give to you the Steve Rogers of Pokemon. I don’t have any sort of logical justification for this one other than ridiculous muscle definition, but I’m as sure of it as I am that the sun will rise tomorrow. He is a strong and salient beast. You’ll notice I went with Machoke over its stronger evolved form, Machamp. I did this because Captain America does not, to the best of my knowledge, have four arms.

This is Cyrano de Bergerac. Don’t look at me like that. The joke was right there.

Gregor Samsa. This joke was also right there.

Rey from Star Wars. Are there actual, physical similarities here? Not unless “adorable,” “objectively the best,” and “too good for us” are physical similarities, and they both definitely have those. Like Mew, Rey can move things with her mind, and I would follow her into battle before she even had to ask.

Sirius Black. Get it? Because he’s dead and stuff? Look, I’m a sad person with a lot of self-loathing. I never got over this. Grief takes many forms and jokes are how I mask the pain.

For more hilarious quips about Nick “EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED” Carraway and Jack “THE BEACHSIDE STRANGLER” Merridew, check out our Blogging the Classics series!

 

Image credit: The Pokemon Company