iStock Microfiction-Vol. 1

iStock is a treasure trove of hapless models who just want to collect their $50 for allowing images of themselves laughing alone with salad or whatever to be licensed in perpetuity.

Most stock photos beg the question, “Zuh?” 

Herein, we set about trying to answer that interrogative sound, with (micro)fictional accounts of the iStock universe! —ed.

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“See that, Moonshine?” He patted the horse’s neck and it snuffled appreciatively.

“That there is the last place I would ever look. If my keys ain’t there…” He squinted at the horizon, “They ain’t nowhere.”

————

“Whatcha doin’, mama?”

“Inventing the juice cleanse. Go away.”

————

Me?

I’m no hero.

I’m just a girl with a white coat, blue shirt, and a stethoscope who is astonished at how few questions they ask if you walk through the doctor’s entrance to a hospital.

All the same, though, you should probably watch your blood pressure.

————

Meet Jeremy.

Jeremy’s mommy loves him. She says “he’ll talk when he’s ready.”

Jeremy agrees. He can talk right now, of course.

But he will talk when he’s good and ready.

And when that day comes, he will have some very interesting things to say.

————

“WHY, CLUCKY, WHY??? YOU WERE SO YOUNG. YOU HAD SO MANY EGGS LEFT TO GIVE.”

At least, she thought, Clucky had sprinkled herself with rosemary. Thoughtful to the end.

————

“Nice ring, bro.”

“Thanks. I needed something that said ‘hands off, ladies.’ I wanted to get one for her too, but apparently they don’t make that size.”

A silence that seemed to stretch upward forever, like the top of a cedar tree disappearing into fog.

“Hey, so it’s great you feel comfortable visiting so often, man.”

“Yeah, well I gotta check up on the little lady.”

“Haha. Well. You don’t ‘gotta,’ exactly. You choose to.”

He furrowed his brow (and his abs as well, out of habit).

“I feel like you’re trying to say—”

“I’m trying to say go home, Jacob.”

————

They piled back into the car, glowing with exertion and camaraderie. Julia was the first to speak.

“Ladies, I just want to say how much today has meant to me. They said a group of women couldn’t come together and pull this off, but we did.” She leaned forward, eyes sparkling mischievously. “And they are straight-up never going to find that body.”

And they never did.