Literary Advice for Fictional Characters
Dear Auntie:
I live in a really small community. Sometimes I feel like it will be physically impossible for me ever to leave. No one here ever listens to me, even when I GOT THE CONCH. They bully me a lot since I’m a little overweight (my aunt says it’s just baby fat) and wear specs (my aunt says they’re very becoming) and have asthma (my aunt says Peter the Great had asthma), and also talk about my aunt a lot (<3). The one thing that makes me feel better is following the rules. Auntie, I love rules. I know it’s not the most popular stance, but I think everything would run more smoothly if everyone followed the rules as closely as I do. My problem is that no one else in my community wants to follow them! All they want to do is hunt and kill (#killthebeast). How can I convince everyone else to be civilized, wait their turns, and STOP STEALING MY SPECS?
Ooh, this is a tough one, my young friend. If this ordeal teaches you anything, it’ll be that it’s usually impossible to convince people to behave in the way you want them to, especially if the will of a large and unruly majority is aligned against you. (If it teaches you two things, it will be to never stand in the path of a large object rolling downhill.)
Of course, a very charismatic and compelling person might be able to talk some sense into your community’s leadership. Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like you’re either of these things, which means that people aren’t likely to listen to you. A good option might be to find someone the group looks up to — ideally an adult with an imposing presence — to talk to everyone about the importance of a well-rounded existence that consists of more than hunting and killing. And if you’re lonely, perhaps you and a few of your less-athletic counterparts could start your own club for quiet activities, like knitting, or pinochle.
If you can’t enlist the help of an adult to enforce a little order because, for instance, none of them survived the plane crash that stranded you and your mates on a deserted island (haha! Just kidding! Like that would ever happen!), then don’t worry: When a community like yours fails to find proper balance, and descends into savagery, the results may be frightening but they’re ultimately unsustainable. Eventually, people’s inflamed passions will burn themselves out, and a new order will emerge from the ashes. So hang in there, kiddo! I’m sure nothing bad will happen in the meantime.
Dear Auntie,
I’m in a pickle. I had this boyfriend, but we sort of broke up. Well, we didn’t officially break up, but he transferred schools, and I guess I just assumed I would never see him again. So I started dating this other guy, kind of in secret. Because I didn’t want people to think I was just dating everyone (my school is pretty religious). But then I ended up at the same college as BOTH guys, and the first guy had sort of assumed that we were still dating? And when he found out that there was another guy, he started slut shaming me HARD on WhatsApp. He never actually found out who my current boyfriend was, but the worst part is that my boyfriend refuses to stick up for me! I cut him a lot of slack because he’s kind of weak and sickly, but this is getting ridiculous. Auntie, how can I get my ex to cut it out, and my BF to stop being THE WORST?
Wait, what? You’re still with that guy? Why?! Why haven’t you broken up with him — and for that matter, what is up with your taste in men, generally? First the psychotic slut shamer, then the spineless weenie; have you ever considered dating a nice, normal dude whose biggest flaw is that he farts a lot?
Well, anyway. Let’s assume that there’s some compelling reason why you can’t tell your boyfriend to take a hike… or report your ex for harassment… or transfer to another school where the people aren’t literally the worst. (Where are you, by the way? Did you write this letter from inside a padlocked cell at the National College of Puritanical Asshats?) In that case, since it’s unlikely that either your ex or your boyfriend will undergo a personality transplant and suddenly stop being terrible, you’re just going to have to hold out hope that outside forces will intervene and solve the problem for you, somehow. I don’t suppose your BF is weak and sickly enough to, like, y’know… uhhhh, nevermind.
But whatever you do, and whether or not your current squeeze does you the immense favor of dying (okay, I’m sorry, but somebody had to say it), please consider some serious soul-searching before you strike up a romance with anyone else. Or maybe just get a cat.
Auntie—
Where do the ducks go in the winter, huh? Where do they go?
South, dude. They go south. Just like all migratory birds. And for the love of Pete, there’s no need to be so angsty and overdramatic about it. Go eat a piece of cheese and have a nice nap, you’ll feel better.
