SparkNotes Blog

Literary Relationship Statuses They Should Definitely Have On Facebook

On a scale of “single” to “in a relationship,” Facebook does a pretty good job of leaving out the most important nuances, like “dating but it’s not official,” or “single and desperately looking,” or “occasionally I make eye contact with the opposite sex.”

For characters in books, it’s even worse. There are so many ways to be in or out of a relationship when you’re a teenage heroine in a supernatural dystopia, and try as they might, the perfunctory statuses of Facebook just can’t cover all their bases. But us? We can’t cover them all, either. However, we can certainly try with these relationship statuses of the literary variety:

1. Star-crossed

2. Destroying the entire infrastructure of King Arthur’s court with our illicit affair

3. Recently widowed for the fifth time, currently looking

4. I work alone

5. In a love triangle with a vampire and a werewolf

6. In a love triangle with King Agamemnon and his concubine

7. In a love triangle with my childhood friend and some dude who lives in the basement of this opera house

8. Single man, in possession of a large fortune, in want of of a wife

9. Facilitating my wife’s affair with a donkey

10. Soliloquizing on a balcony

11. Personifying the American Dream

12. Haunting my lover from beyond the grave

13. Currently in the process of trying to frame my husband for my murder

14. In a one-sided relationship with a metaphor-whale

15. Accidentally married my mom to avoid a prophecy about marrying my mom

16. Casually dropping phrases like “you are my life now”

17. Taking a walk through the gardens with my suitor (chaperoned, of course)

18. Trapped in a loveless political marriage to secure an alliance with the Baratheons

19. In love with the idea of love

20. Struck by Cupid’s arrow

21. Seducing her with love letters on someone else’s behalf

22. Slowly chipping away at the soul of the reverend who fathered my wife’s child

23. Stuck on a desert island with a sea-witch

24. Being courted by a rakish cad

25. Lusting after a demon-slaying Shadowhunter

26. Murdering kings together

27. Launching one thousand ships

28. Blinded by the green-eyed monster

29. Currently an implied love interest, but hoping to upgrade to Actual Love Interest

30. Betrothed since childhood

31. Secretly married

32. My future? I can only see Voldemort

33. Waiting for true love’s first kiss

34. Perpetually a third wheel

35. Chaste hero with a quest to complete

36. In a marriage of convenience for financial stability

37. Inexplicably drawn to a masked vigilante

38. Casually dating my twin sister like this is a normal thing to do

39. Fighting for the honor of her hand in marriage

40. It’s complicated because he accidentally killed my sister

41. It’s complicated because she’s been conditioned by Miss Havisham to hate men

42. It’s complicated because he’s married and he keeps his wife locked in the attic

43. If I can’t have him then nobody can, and we’re both going to die on this barricade

44. Fake dating because we’re undercover agents and we can’t arouse suspicion and IT’S THE ONLY WAY

45. Cheating on my husband who’s cheating on me with someone who’s cheating on him

46. Daring to marry for love

47. Living happily ever after

48. Wishing he was a rose by any other name

49. Waiting for my true love’s husband to die of natural causes

50. Looking for love in all the wrong places