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The SparkNotes Blog

Homework help made hilarious.

Literary Relationship Statuses They Should Definitely Have On Facebook

Only a handful of people are actually “in a relationship.” The rest of us are stuck with “it’s complicated,” “friends with benefits,” or “single and destined to remain so in perpetuity.” And things are even more confusing when you’re fictional. You could be “in a relationship,” of course, but you could also be “in a love triangle with a vampire and a different, more dangerous vampire,” and Facebook just isn’t set up to accommodate those nuances. 

Since there are so many ways to be in and out of a relationship when you’re a character in a book, we thought we’d try our hand at coming up with some new Facebook statuses of the literary variety.

Relationship status: Single man, in possession of a large fortune, in want of of a wife

Relationship status: Obsessed with a married woman who symbolizes the impossible nature of the American Dream

Relationship status: Trapped on a desert island with a sea witch

Relationship status: Inexplicably drawn to a masked man who committed murder to further my singing career

Relationship status: Spending six months out of every year in the Underworld

Relationship status: In a marriage of convenience for financial stability

Relationship status: Half-agony, half-hope

Relationship status: Accidentally killed my dad and married my mom to avoid a prophecy about killing my dad and marrying my mom

Relationship status: Dying young due to a mysterious illness in order further my significant other’s character development

Relationship status: A lifelong spinster

Relationship status: Exchanging witty banter with someone I claim to despise but am actually about to fall in love with

Relationship status: Friends with benefits (the benefits being a political alliance between Egypt and the Republic of Rome)

Relationship status: In love with the idea of love

Relationship status: Taking a chaperoned promenade through the gardens with a handsome suitor who may soon request the honor of my hand in marriage

Relationship status: Haunting my spouse’s new lover from beyond the grave

Relationship status: Living out the rest of my days wearing a tattered old wedding dress in my crumbling Gothic manor because I was left at the altar

Relationship status: Writing love letters to my soul mate on someone else’s behalf

Relationship status: My mistress is the Republic

Relationship status: Currently enemies, soon to be lovers

Relationship status: If I can’t have him, nobody can, and also I’m going to accuse this whole town of witchcraft

Relationship status: Chaste hero with a quest to complete

Relationship status: Fully willing to die for someone I just met five minutes ago

Relationship status: Painting a cursed portrait for the man I love that will grant him eternal youth at the expense of his soul

Relationship status: It’s complicated because he’s married and he keeps his mad wife locked in the attic

Relationship status: Walking hand-in-hand through the English countryside with my lover as ghosts once the two of us are finally joined in death