If you, like me, have been on the Internet pretty much constantly since 2007, you will have noticed an uptick in the amount of extraneous Harry Potter information that J.K. Rowling has lately decided to grace (and/or burden) us with. Some of this information is very cool and interesting. Some of it is not. And some of it is the fact that wizards didn’t always poop regular, which is knowledge I still don’t entirely know what to do with.
For me personally, the most recent revelation (that Dumbledore and Grindelwald did indeed have a relationship, sex-wise) means that this ever-flowing river of wizard facts won’t be stopping any time soon. And if any of the following things become canon, I want it on the record that I saw them coming.
Here are some things I think we will soon learn about wizards, given the fullness of time:
1. The Sorting Hat committed war crimes, and was cursed thereafter to spend eternity as a hat.
2. Wizards don’t brush their teeth.
3. Neville was known to occasionally emit loud, haunting shrieks mid-conversation.
4. Colin Creevey was actually twelve feet tall.
5. Justin Finch-Fletchley traveled back in time, killed Moaning Myrtle, and successfully blamed it on the Basilisk. To this day we have no way of knowing the extent of his atrocities.
6. The Three Broomsticks was a front for stolen goods.
7. There is a fifth Hogwarts house for people who always arrive ten minutes early to brunch and then secretly resent everyone else for being on time.
8. Madam Pomfrey was having a torrid affair with Professor Vector.
9. It is illegal for wizards to eat bananas, ever since the Banana Incident of 1891.
10. It was never mentioned outright, but Hogwarts was overrun with rampaging sheep for the entirety of Harry’s third year.
11. Professor Trelawney had a vision of Harry naming his son Albus Severus but did nothing to stop it.
12. If you flush all the toilets in Hogwarts at the same time, a hell portal opens, the sun goes dark, and the world as we know it is besieged by nuclear winter.
13. Every time someone says Voldemort’s name, a Pygmy Puff dies.
14. When the Weasley twins shoved Montague into that broken Vanishing Cabinet in Harry’s fifth year, the Slytherin Chaser was briefly transported to an alternate universe where Dumbledore’s favorite flavor of jam is actually boysenberry.