Pick a Fictional Dad and We’ll Tell You What to Get Yours for Christmas

Nobody has a clue what to get their dad for Christmas because all dads are unknowable. I have never gotten my dad a single solitary present that DIDN’T elicit a tepid “Wow” or a fake-enthusiastic “I can’t wait to use this” while he was sitting there holding it wrong.

Dads are different type of person altogether. They need NOTHING, and they want even less. They may require potato chips occasionally to subsist but then that’s it, they’re good for a month.

So dads are impossible to shop for, but you still have to get them something, and we’re quickly running out of time. If you haven’t bought your dad a present yet and you’re panicking, don’t worry! Just think about the literary dad that sounds most like yours and click accordingly, and then FEEL FREE TO PANIC BECAUSE GOOD GOD, WE’RE ONLY DAYS AWAY AND YOU HAVE NOTHING, HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?