PSA: How to Deal With a Cyber Stalker
Unbeknownst to me, my ex had a new girlfriend. I thought meeting him for coffee—as per his request—was totally reasonable and that perhaps he and I could get on good terms and become friends. Coffee was casual and friendly. I left feeling relieved. A few days later, someone liked one of my photos on Instagram. Coffee_Lover_4_Reel. I didn’t know who they were and their feed only had a handful of photos of cats and sunsets. The next day, Coffee_Lover_4_Reel liked about thirty pix on my feed. Hmmm. That seemed a little nutty, but that’s as far as I thought. The next day, Coffee_Lover_4_Reel commented on a super old pic of me and my ex (and like ten of our friends) at dinner for my best friend’s last night in New York: “Watch your back.” Was this a joke? I actually laughed out loud. Watch my back? There was something very 6th grade about that expression. But minutes later, scarier comments came flooding in. “You’re busted.” “Cheaters never win.” “You had your chance.” I was still laughing. The comments were just so damn corny! But who was this person and what was their agenda? Then Coffee_Lover_4_Reel turned up the volume. Just to give you a taste, (minus the inordinate number of expletives): “Hey Kelly, did you know you’re a slut? How does it feel to be a slut?”
I promptly freaked out, deleted all Coffee_Lover_4_Reel’s comments and blocked them. I began obsessively thinking of who could have a vendetta against me. Since my break-up with my ex a few months prior to this mess, I hadn’t dated anyone. I was taking a break and focusing on grad school apps. So I wasn’t incurring the wrath of anyone’s jilted ex-girlfriend. The next logical step was to talk to Peter, my ex. I was actually hopeful that he would have a lead for me, maybe someone from the merry-go-round rebounding phase I assumed he was in. If not that, then where on earth could I start? I was in luck. Peter said he briefly dated a woman named Rae over the summer. They broke up in September when Rae became demanding of Peter’s time and tried to control him. Peter suspected that Rae had looked through his phone and saw that we were meeting up for coffee. It was our best lead, and the only explanation we could come up with. The next day, I got a friend request on Facebook from another Kelly Hoffmacher with a photo of me in my college graduation cap and gown as her profile pic. As I scrolled through my stalker’s page, tears streamed down my face. The page was filled with horrific and vulgar posts all explaining Kelly’s awfulness. I immediately turned to my parents for help. We did some research and even talked to the cops about our options. Here’s what we gleaned from reading other victims’ accounts of cyber bullying and how they got through it—plus advice for the (complicated) legal options.
1. Don’t engage with your bully. You’ll be surprised how often the threats and harassment stop when the bully doesn’t get a rise out of you. Getting into a twitter war with a cyber bully can make matters worse. Your agitation fuels your bully and will keep him or her going. If friends are aware of the situation, ask them to not participate in the drama.
2. Don’t forward messages from the bully to your friends. You don’t know how far that info can spread and you may end up maximizing the problem big time.
3. Save all the evidence. Take screenshots. Enough said.
4. Report the bully. Platforms like Facebook and YouTube have safety centers and you can work with them to get the stalker’s account shut down
5. If the cyber stalker doesn’t back off naturally and you have proof as to who is behind the attacks, contact the police and get a restraining order.
6. What if you don’t know or can’t prove who is stalking you? I wish it were simpler, but you need to contact a lawyer. You’re going to need a court order to get the IP address for the computer where the posts are coming from. Then you need a new court order to get the Internet service provider to release the physical address of linked to the IP information. You take your findings to a judge and file a law suit. Stressful, but if this is what it comes down to, you need to do what you need to do.
Luckily for me, I ignored my bully and she went away. I went through four months of complete hell. Rae would hit me up from a different email address each time I blocked her. I blocked her on all social media and made all my accounts private, but she still maintained the fake Facebook page of me, which, in my weakest moments, I would still look at. Peter was desperate to get involved. He felt partially responsible even though he bore no real responsibility. After great insistence, I agreed to let Peter contact Rae just once if he promised to speak to her calmly. He had a brief phone call with her in which she denied everything. But he was able to state very plainly that my family and I were on the verge of taking legal action and that she would be found out once my family got a lawyer. A few days later the posts died off. Completely. I was very lucky. Cyber bullying is a harrowing experience and the consequences can be fatal. Please share your story with us, how you got through it and how you healed.
