Questionable Love Advice From Fictional Characters

It’s a new year, and for many, that means a chance to find new love (of a snack food or a human or a slashfic pairing or what have you). But I’m not here to bring you good advice about crudités or what you should do to woo your crush. Because let’s face it: Aside from Prince William and Kate, some of the best love stories are totally fictional. Who better to look to for advice about your crush than fictional characters?

Snape

The most important thing to do when you have a crush on someone is to never let it go, ever. Even if they don’t feel the same way. Even if they get married. Even if they die. There’s a technique I read about on the Internet called “negging” where you act really meanly towards a girl to try and get her to like you. I adjusted that formula a bit and was just really mean to her son instead. It didn’t work out so great for me, but maybe you’ll have better luck!

 

Loki

The first thing you’re going to need is an entire alien army and a magical device capable of opening a portal across space and time. Oh, and you’re going to want to have at least one Infinity Stone, maybe two. Wait a minute—sorry, what was the question again?

 

Javert

Now obviously when it comes to a crush, you’re going to want to start off with a thorough background check. See if they have a criminal record. Anything at all, even petty-theft or jaywalking. If they haven’t committed any crimes, then go find someone who has and chase them down to arrest them. There is too much injustice in the world to pursue love!

 

Dr. River Song

It all depends on who makes the first move. If you notice them first and you haven’t already met at some other point in your respective timelines, then you should probably approach them. Though remember if they recognize you, it’s because they’ve already met you in their timeline, so it’s probably OK to let them make the first move. But make sure you don’t let them tell you anything you don’t already know about your own future, because that could mess everything up. Conversely, if they haven’t met you yet, then you really can’t tell them anything about the future either. Simple, right?

 

Holden Caulfield

Why would you even want to date someone? Everyone is such a phony anyway. That being said, if you did decide to go on a date, I would recommend bringing them to a frozen duck pond and asking where the ducks have gone until they want to leave.

 

Jafar

You need to make getting their parents’ approval a priority. Do this by hypnotizing them into giving you their approval. If you can steal a genie and get them to grant you ultimate power, that’s great too. In fact, if you were as powerful as a genie, you could have all the crushes you wanted and all of them would probably date you.

 

Jay Gatsby

It’s as simple as faking your death, gaining a new identity, and becoming incredibly wealthy. Then you just have to throw extravagant parties until your crush inevitably shows up to one. Hopefully they didn’t get married while you were off getting your new identity. Anyway old sport, I’m sure it will all go swimmingly.

 

Bella Swan

Don’t approach them. Just watch them from afar. Eventually they’ll probably save your life. And be sure if they leave to not move on and just wait and wait. It was probably a misunderstanding.

 

Ariel

Make sure you don’t get a crush on anyone local. Wherever you currently live is boring, but I’ve looked into it and the seaweed is IN FACT greener in somebody else’s lake. Find out what your crush likes, whether it’s a certain kind of music or TV show or legs and do whatever you have to do to get that. Also, just an additional tip from someone who’s been there before: don’t trust a sea witch.

 

Lucy van Pelt

Try and get into what interests them. Unless they pay attention to that thing, like pianos for example, more than you. Then always tell them how terrible that thing actually is. They’ll still know you like them because you’ll be acting super mean towards everyone else. And never let anyone kick a football you’re holding. Hope the advice helps. That will be five cents.

What’s Jafar’s deal?