Rubeus Hagrid is like a lovable juggernaut of human error. The rest of us are disgraceful flesh-piles unworthy of love and forgiveness by comparison. But if YOU were Hagrid, and YOU were going to blunder your way to total catastrophe, how would you do it? Which of his mistakes would be yours?
Trust me. This is information you need to have.
1. How would you describe yourself?
C. Awkward and hopeless and desperate for love.
D. Embittered by life’s cruel injustices.
E. A pleasure to have in class.
2. How do you typically introduce yourself to people?
A. I say, “My favorite color’s purple and my biggest fear is the void.”
B. I tell them I like their shirt, even if I don’t.
C. With panic and maybe a whirring noise.
D. With a really hard high-five.
E. I usually tell them my name and they tell me theirs and then I instantly forget it.
F. I don’t.
3. How many times do you hit the snooze button in the morning?
A. Usually twice. Sometimes more.
B. Depends on the day.
C. Once, and then my slumber continues.
E. I don’t set an alarm because I rise with the sun.
F. I don’t set an alarm because I thrive on the chaos of chance.
4. When you die, what song should be played at your funeral?
A. “Weasley is Our King”
B. “Hoggy, Warty Hogwarts”
C. “A Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love”
D. “Granger Danger” by Joey Richter and Lauren Lopez
E. “God Rest Ye, Merry Hippogriffs”
F. “Toxic” by Britney Spears
5. Which of these is the absolute worst?
A. Calling your teacher “Mom.”
C. Liking someone’s Facebook photo from 2009.
D. Fleeing from justice.
E. Forgetting someone’s birthday.
F. When someone pays you a compliment and you burst into flames.
6. Who is your favorite Weasley?
D. Fred or George
7. What’s your Hogwarts House?
E. House Stark
8. What makes you happiest?
A. The sense of validation that comes along with lots of Instagram likes.
B. Material possessions, sometimes puppies.
C. Making out with someone.
D. Sticking it to the man.
E. Those brief seconds of bliss when you wake up on Sunday morning before you remember it’s Sunday.
A. No thanks.
B. I guess.
C. If I see one I’ll usually trap in a container and then release it into the wild.
D. I sure hope my death comes swiftly.
E. I can deal. Out of sight, out of mind.
F. Kill them with fire.
Mostly A’s: You’re going to let slip something important. This might be something minor (like the name “Nicolas Flamel”), or it might be something major (like how to get past a giant three-headed guard dog, resulting in three impressionable children going after the bad guy themselves).
Mostly B’s: You’re going to give the main villain important information in exchange for an illegal dragon egg. Yikes. In the grand scheme of screw-ups, this isn’t great. Everything’s going to work out for the best, though, so don’t you worry.
Mostly C’s: You’re going to accuse your potential significant other of being a half-giantess on your first date. This is generally something you save for the third or fourth date. That’s okay. You’ll bounce back.
Mostly D’s: You’re going to hold a “Support Harry Potter” party in your hut. You will then be forced to flee the premises to avoid arrest. You’ve got moxie, I’ll give you that.
Mostly E’s: You’re going to forget to tell Harry how to get to Platform 9 3/4. I mean, it’s no big deal. It’s just that the 11-year-old boy who defeated Voldemort was wandering around King’s Cross Station just waiting to be kidnapped, and it was all your fault.
Mostly F’s: Blast-Ended Skrewts. That’s the whole thing. You’re going to introduce an unholy monster hybrid of Manticores and Fire crabs to the classroom syllabus. Everyone will be living in fear. But hey. It’s fine. It’s cool. I’m sure it builds character or something.