The Great Gatsby is a book about awful people running around doing awful things, which is why the idea of dropping the Sorting Hat onto each and every one of their morally deficient heads is particularly appealing to me. I did this last time with the characters from Pride and Prejudice; now I am doing The Great Gatsby.
It’s possible you disagree with me about some of my choices. It’s equally possible that I am, in fact, objectively wrong. That said, I don’t think I am and I will never concede. LET’S FIGHT ABOUT IT.
Jay Gatsby: Slytherin As someone who has more social ambition in his cufflinks than most people have in their entire bodies, Jay Gatsby is a bred-in-the-bone Slytherin. He has one goal in this life—to win Daisy’s heart with money. Everything else is just background noise. That’s the Slytherin way.
Nick Carraway: Hufflepuff Nick Carraway is a pensive wallflower and a Hufflepuff through and through. He rarely Makes Things Happen, opting instead to let things Happen To Him. He makes no waves; he sits back, he observes, he listens, he learns. He’s big on fairness, honesty, and civility. He hates moral ambiguity, though he does have a blind spot for sexy orphan war heroes named Gatsby.
Daisy Buchanan: Gryffindor I know what you’re thinking—namely wait, what? Hear me out. Daisy admires people who are brave and passionate, even if she isn’t any of those things herself. Like Peter Pettigrew, a Gryffindor who lacked courage, and Gilderoy Lockhart, a Ravenclaw who wasn’t particularly smart, Daisy is drawn to that which she lacks, like a timorous moth to fearless flame. She wants to be the kind of person who could flout society’s rules and leave Tom for Gatsby, but that doesn’t change the fact that she isn’t.
Tom Buchanan: Gryffindor Tom is all action and very little thought. His wife’s cheating on him? BETTER YELL ABOUT IT. Like most Gryffindors, Tom will always stand up for what he believes in. That doesn’t mean what he believes in is good or right or true (because, let’s face it, Tom is an idiot and all of his opinions are garbage), but that doesn’t stop him from standing up for it.
Jordan Baker: Ravenclaw Jordan is not your archetypical, bookish Ravenclaw; she does not spend her days ensconced in a library, feverishly flipping pages. No, what makes Jordan a Ravenclaw is that she is up to her bobbed hair in street smarts. When she is not golfing, she is busy sitting around, Knowing Things. She is cool and calculating. She is cynical. She is sometimes dishonest, often hypocritical, but mostly she is bored because life is predictable and people are, too. She has Seen Some Stuff in her time, and she remains unimpressed.
Myrtle Wilson: Slytherin I relate to Myrtle Wilson, probably more than I should. Like me, she believes she deserves to live in the lap of luxury despite doing literally nothing to achieve this. Also like me, she currently resides in the land that God forgot. (In her case, it’s the Valley of Ashes. In my case, it’s Michigan.) Unlike me, however, she decides the only way to deal with this is to have an affair with a married man and just hope it will lead to some sort of upward social mobility.
George Wilson: Hufflepuff We know precious little about George Wilson, besides the fact that he’s apparently the only person in New York City NOT currently cheating on their spouse. That sounds loyal enough to me. Let’s slap a Hufflepuff ruling on this one and move on.