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Sorting the Characters from The Lord of the Flies Into Hogwarts Houses

I bet you have, at one point or another, wondered which Hogwarts houses the Lord of the Flies characters would be Sorted into. 

Even if you’ve never wondered this before, well, now you’re wondering it. You may have only the tiniest—we’re talking MINUSCULE—interest in either the characters from Lord of the Flies or the Sorting thereof, but now that I’ve presented the question, you life will never be fully complete until you know. With that in mind, here are all the characters Sorted into Hogwarts houses, so that you may one day know peace.

Ralph: Gryffindor
Ralph is a good-looking, confident, and charismatic child with a courageous heart and a thirst for adventure. He crash-lands on a desert island only to instantly have the mantle of leadership foisted upon his person. Of course he’s a Gryffindor. I would be remiss in my duties were I to Sort him anywhere else.

Jack: Slytherin
Ralph and Jack are two sides of the same coin, which is why I almost—ALMOST—Sorted Jack into Gryffindor. However, Jack is a Slytherin any way you slice it. He’s not as brave as Ralph, which we know because of that time Ralph walked headfirst into danger while Jack cowered on the sidelines, yet he yearns for power and has no quibbles about seizing it. He’s also manipulative; he didn’t wait one single second to exploit the threat of the Beast for his own nefarious means. Finally, the kid personifies arrogance. He was gunning for Ralph’s job from the word go. Why? Because he’s a choir leader, and can sing a C sharp, and is therefore better than everyone else, and you should all totally vote him leader lest you face the consequences later.

Piggy: Ravenclaw
Piggy spends the entire book espousing Logic and Reason to the general annoyance of everyone else. He is the Mom Friend; he takes great care to learn the names of the younger boys and gives Ralph multiple pep talks. He’s the only one on the island with any sense, which ultimately proves to be his downfall. Prior to this, he wears glasses. I know “wears glasses” is not a necessary prerequisite for being a Ravenclaw, but it certainly doesn’t hurt.

Simon: Ravenclaw
Simon is a wise and mature child who occasionally wanders off to daydream privately and escape all the drama, which is very on brand for Ravenclaws. Really, he’s the Luna Lovegood of this story, if Luna Lovegood had discovered that Voldemort didn’t really exist but got murdered by all the other characters before she could relay this crucial information to them.

Roger: Slytherin
I don’t ascribe to the notion that all Slytherins are evil, but BOY is Roger ever a Slytherin. There’s something almost impressively forward-thinking about being the first person on the island to realize The Rules Don’t Apply Here. Sure, he’s a budding sociopath who delights in the torture of others, but he’s also self-serving and savvy enough to join Jack’s tribe when it suits his interests. Roger knows which way the wind is blowing. He knew this whole thing was going to dissolve into anarchy and savagery before anyone else had a clue, and he got on board. Slytherin, indeed.

SamnEric: Hufflepuff
SamnEric (who are, for all intents and Sorting-related purposes, the same person) have a loyalty to each other that rivals anything else we see over the course of the entire story. I believe they value fair play like most Hufflepuffs, which is why they are so easily taken in by Jack; neither of them saw his betrayal coming because they themselves would never think to betray anybody. They even warn Ralph about Jack, at risk to their own lives.

Maurice: Hufflepuff
Just as not all Slytherins are evil, not all Hufflepuffs are innately good. Maurice shows extreme loyalty to Jack even in the face of overwhelming evidence that he shouldn’t, though he does seem to feel some semblance of guilt and unease about things like committing murder.

Percival Wemys Madison: Ravenclaw
This was that one kid who posited the idea that the Beast might come from the sea. That’s some real outside-the-box thinking. Ravenclaw.

Robert: Squib
I can’t remember who Robert is, but the character list I Googled assures me that he exists. I can only assume he’s one of the various other boys that were milling about unmemorably, and for that reason I’m going to go with “He’s a Squib” and move on.