Sirius Black was my first love, and my future spouse is just going to have to come to terms with that one day. When he died—snatched too soon from this world by the cold, unfeeling hands of death—it ruined my whole year. History will remember him for his bravery and for his canonically gorgeous hair, but mostly it will remember him for this list of things he did ranked in order of 1) how Padfoot-ish they were and 2) how good he probably looked doing them.
30. Escaped from justice by riding off into the sunset via hippogriff. He had never even met this hippogriff. Sirius was just the kind of guy that hippogriffs trust.
29. Did he even know how to ride a hippogriff? Doesn’t matter. I’m sure he did great.
28. Spent thirteen years in a horrible nightmare prison, but you could definitely still see that he used to be hot.
27. His Plan A was to just murder Ron’s rat in front of everyone with no explanation.
26. Seriously, he didn’t even give them the courtesy of “Your rat is secretly a person.”
25. Was a hardened fugitive going by the alias “Snuffles.” Duality of man.
24. Was a gold-hearted ruffian and also the only person I could ever love.
23. Used to sometimes get mistaken for an omen of death. I mean, who hasn’t?
22. Befriended Hermione’s cat. Probably the first friend he’d had in years.
21. Put Permanent Sticking Charms on all his paraphernalia so that his family had to deal with Gryffindor banners and magazine cut-outs of bikini-clad Muggle girls even after he left home.
20. Spent a year living off rats. Probably got through it by imagining each of them was Wormtail.
19. When faced with the prospect of admitting that he wasn’t actually there to kill Harry, he instead went with “ONLY ONE WILL DIE TONIGHT.”
18. Took time out of his revenge plot to watch Harry play Quidditch.
17. Did not know the password to get into Gryffindor Tower, so he just figured he should probably stab a painting.
16. Once sent Snape into the murder tree when they were teenagers. This was honestly really messed up and I’m disappointed in how he handled it.
15. Managed to look bored as hell while serving a life sentence in the most notorious wizarding prison of all time.
14. His first act as a man on the run from the law was to send Ron a new pet because he’d exposed and tried to assassinate his old one. Dude had priorities.
13. Somehow managed to juggle pranks, being a heartthrob, and getting good grades. I am currently juggling none of those things, and I’m still losing.
12. Definitely could have given Harry advice about girls if Harry had gotten around to asking. The fact that we missed out on this opportunity is one of life’s great injustices.
11. He was a sad, broken man and I wanted to hug the shit out of him.
10. Was very concerned about Ron’s well-being, even though he was the one who broke Ron’s leg.
9. Tried to commit murder in the most dramatic way possible. Three times. Three times he did this. They are, in order, 1) the bungled Halloween attempt, 2) the one with the knife, and 3) the one where he was just like “I’m going to drag this 13-year-old boy into one of my old haunts and hope the other two don’t do the logical thing like going for help.”
8. Was already distancing himself from his family and questioning the iron-clad pureblood ideology even before arriving at Hogwarts.
7. Gave Harry the two-way mirrors, and Harry NEVER EVEN THOUGHT TO USE THEM. HARRY. JUST. COME ON. I GET THAT THIS IS DRAMATIC IRONY AND THERE’S NO WAY YOU COULD HAVE KNOWN, BUT EVERY TIME I READ THIS PART I HAVE TO PUT THE BOOK AWAY, EAT A WARM COOKIE, AND TAKE A SAD NAP.
6. Was willing to die for James, Lily, and Harry.
5. Was willing to die for Peter, too, at one point.
4. Eventually DID die for Harry.
3. Chose not to come back as a ghost.
2. Immediately escaped from prison when he realized Harry was in danger because, for all his faults, Sirius was true of heart, clever of wit, and brave of soul.
1. Respected Harry’s decision to bring Wormtail to the proper authorities instead of killing him. His compassion for his godson ultimately outweighed his desire for revenge against the man who’d betrayed him and left him to rot in jail for thirteen years, and this more than anything else is the thing that gets me every time.
This post was originally published in May 2016
WELP, WE’RE SOBBING. Did this post make you miss Sirius Black more than ever? US TOO.