The 50 Most Hermione Granger Things That Hermione Has Ever Done

Have you ever wanted to embody the work ethic of Hermione Granger, but you can’t because she is a demigod and you’re just a person? Perfect. We’re on the same page. We’ll never be able to best her in a battle of wits, a battle of magic, or even a battle of fisticuffs (just ask Malfoy’s face). The only thing we can really do is rank all the ways that she’s better than us in order of how Hermione-ish they are.

50. Used time travel to take more classes. Comparatively, I once took an online class in the middle of the day during high school so that I could have two lunches.

49. Punched Malfoy in the face and rendered him speechless for probably the first time in his life. Do you think his father heard about this?

48. Brewed a highly illegal potion over a toilet (nightmarishly unhygienic, but I digress) at the tender age of twelve.

47. Somehow had the presence of mind to summon the books about Horcruxes out of Dumbledore’s office. The man had been dead for like 48 hours, and she was already looting his books. That’s hardcore.

46. Figured out what was in the Chamber of Secrets, which not a single non-Slytherin had been able to do in like 400 years. And she was twelve. What were you doing when you were twelve? I was playing Mario Kart and listening to Avril Lavigne.

45. When Fred and George’s challenged her authority as a prefect, she threatened to write to their mother.

44. She was probably the only reason Harry and Ron didn’t die over the course of seven years of magical mischief.

43. Was disappointed when exams were cancelled in their second year.

42. Once got called “an insufferable know-it-all” by a faculty member.

41. Once told Lavender Brown to keep her big fat mouth shut about Harry.

40. Managed to spot an inconspicuous trap door while staring down a giant three-headed monster dog.

39. Got caught in the presence of a murderer, a werewolf, and a rat pretending to be a person, and her biggest concern was that they had attacked a teacher.

38. Borrowed probably the largest book in the library for a bit of light reading.

37. Once called Ron an insensitive wart.

36. Got nine “Outstanding” O.W.Ls, and one “Exceeds Expectations.” Who does that?

35. Figured out Lupin was a werewolf. Snape did everything but put up a neon sign of this information, but still. She was the only person who connected the dots.

34. Learned all their textbooks by heart before getting to school. One time in college I didn’t even buy the textbook; I just prayed and hoped.

33. Had the foresight to pack the essentials just in case they needed to make a quick getaway in Deathly Hallows. For comparison’s sake, one time on a trip to Canada, I forgot to pack pants.

32. Preferred death to expulsion. Needed to sort out her priorities.

31. Set Snape on fire one time. That was cool.

30. Came up with the idea for Dumbledore’s Army.

29. Asked “Don’t you two read?” when Harry and Ron didn’t know the name of an obscure fourteenth-century alchemist.

28. Didn’t want to have a career in Magical Law because she was hoping to do some real good in the world. Said this right to the Minister of Magic’s FACE.

27. Was the only student who realized Harry hadn’t put his name in the Goblet of Fire, probably because of 1) loyalty and 2) just straight-up common sense.

26. Apologized to Neville before leaving him paralyzed in the Gryffindor Common Room.

25. Went to the Yule Ball with a hot Bulgarian Quidditch player.

24. Walked out on her Divination class, inadvertently proving one of Trelawney’s predictions.

23. Tried to turn Lavender Brown’s grief over a beloved pet into proof that Trelawney’s predictions were just a bunch of hot crap.

22. Is the only person to have ever raised her hand in Binns’ History of Magic class.

21. Purchased a cat who was smart enough to pretty much have his own subplot.

20. Once attacked Ron with birds after he hurt her feelings.

19. Blackmailed Rita Skeeter into publishing Harry’s story about Voldemort.

18. Solved Snape’s Sorcerer’s Stone riddle in about ten minutes, which probably ruined his whole week.

17. Did Harry and Ron’s homework for them. Like, all the time.

16. Started calling Voldemort by his real name in their fifth year.

15. Became the person Viktor Krum would miss most after knowing him for like barely two months.

14. Was the only one who tried to do something about indentured house-elf servitude.

13. Impersonated Bellatrix Lestrange, but almost got found out for being too polite.

12. Lupin said they didn’t have to write the essay Snape assigned them; she was disappointed because she’d already finished it.

11. Basically had a year-long rivalry with Harry’s potions book.

10. Went back to Hogwarts to finish her education after the war was over.

9. Did some sleuthing to figure out Rita Skeeter’s beetle trick, then trapped her in a jar.

8. Lectured Harry about girls on more than one occasion.

7. Can’t stop herself from spouting fun facts, which I get.

6. Offered up expert legal counsel for Buckbeak at thirteen years of age.

5. Called out Malfoy for being a spoiled brat in front of everybody.

4. Said that Cormac McLaggen made Hagrid’s violent half-brother look like a gentleman. Savage.

3. Knew how to handle Devil’s Snare but briefly forgot about magic.

2. Solved 90% of the novels’ mysteries with good old-fashioned logic and deductive reasoning.

1. The Sorting Hat initially wanted to put her in Ravenclaw but settled on Gryffindor, suggesting she’s even braver than she is smart, which is saying something. Reminder: “Books! And cleverness! There are more important things—friendship and bravery and—oh Harry—before careful!”

WELL GREAT, now we’re going to spend the rest of the day falling even deeper in lurve with Hermione instead of doing anything even REMOTELY productive. What’s your fave most Hermione thang that Hermione has ever done? And did you read the Ron Weasley installment of this series? YOU SHOULD, IT’S HILARIOUS.